But how do we approach it?
Many people avoid discussions on these issues because it's hard to do so without crying (which gets you labeled a "crybaby") or yelling (which gets you labeled as "crazy" and "dangerous").
Also, whenever people disagree, there will be interruptions. It's one thing when there's interruptions over minor issues (ie. last night's game) but when it comes to emotional issues, those interruptions can turn loud & ugly fast!
Also, spoken conversations favor the smooth talkers, the loud talkers, those armed with quick witty comebacks. Those who have speech impediments, those who process thoughts slowly, and those who are timid are placed in an extreme disadvantage!
Spoken conversations also favor the side that has more numbers. 3 against 1 isn't a fair fight!
So what to do?
I write letters and/or emails.
I wrote them to parents. I wrote them to employers and co-workers. I wrote them to friends.
I write them because when I'm writing, I can take my time to write my thoughts with the most effective words possible!
I write them because when I'm writing, the other person isn't pressured into a quick response which leads to interruptions, yellings, and words that would be regretted later.
I write them because when the other person reads them, I might not be nearby, so that person has to think before responding.
I write them because I put my strongest feelings out there, so by the time I see the person again, my strongest thoughts were already expressed and I won't have to the urge to yell it anymore!
I write them because if I was to say it in front of other people, it would cause un-needed embarrassment and drama. Especially true when there are children nearby!
I write them because I want to say all my thoughts, have my feelings & thoughts understood without interruptions.
I write them because it helps the other side understand how I feel and it helps them feel empathy for my side.
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Now sometimes, those letters do segway to a spoken conversation. Those spoken conversations are enhanced by the previous letters because the most important points were already made, we're now just asking clarifying questions and discussing the finer details.
Even better, those letters can sometimes lead to mediation.
For example, when I wrote angry letters expressing my thoughts about my parent's decisions, that led to us going to a counseling session with a trained psychologist. Having a neutral person in the discussion is very important in that stops interruptions, allows multiple sides a turn to talk, and helps both sides to develop empathy for each other.
(I discuss that issue further at http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2017/02/not-too-late-to-call-out-people-for.html)
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A few years back, I found this article from Psychology Today about how some couples have been able to discuss issues better through email rather than talking!
Dr. Guy Winch, “Why Some Couples Should Argue Via Email,” Psychology Today, August 4, 2014
Once I had them both on the phone, I suggested something I usually try to avoid—I told them to communicate about their disagreements only via email—not in person, on the phone, or via text. (Texting is a very different medium than email, one that promotes briefer, more impulsive exchanges; we tend to be far more thoughtful when composing emails.)When I saw them three months later, Brittney quickly announced, “Arguing over email has totally saved our marriage!” Brent agreed: “We get through things now. We actually figure stuff out.”Having productive arguments via email is better than having destructive ones in person.
the article also posted some advantages of "arguing over email"
Arguing over email presents advantages for couples who have the following patterns:
- One or both members of the couple have a quick temper. Being too reactive in an argument, getting heated quickly, or having facial expressions that instantly shift from calm to irate, makes it very difficult to have a productive discussion. Arguing via email allows the reactive partner(s) to take a breath, calm down, and be more reflective before responding. It also allows them to reread what their partner wrote and be more likely to respond to their actual points or concerns. Horsemen avoided: Criticism, contempt and defensiveness.
- Couples who don’t know how to de-escalate arguments. Many couples do not know how to calm things down once they get heated. But while they might not be able to use restraint in the "heat of battle," they are more likely to be able to pull off a calming tactic via email (e.g., “Look, I really don’t want to fight about this,” or, “I know you’re upset; I am too, so let’s try and figure this out”). Horsemen avoided: Contempt and defensiveness.
- One person is verbally over-matched. It is common for one person in a couple to be much better at arguing and expressing their needs and emotions than the other. This often makes the less verbally-skilled person clam up, become overwhelmed, say the wrong thing, or just shut down. Arguing over email allows the less verbally-skilled person to think through what they feel, what they think, what they want to say, and how they should best express it—thus leveling the playing field and allowing for a more productive exchange. Horsemen avoided: Defensiveness and stonewalling.
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Yes, there might be some downsides to writing letters instead of spoken conversations.
Written words can be misinterpreted. The tone might be mistaken by the reader, whereas in spoken conversations, the tone of voice and facial expressions can show the listener that the speaker is serious or joking.
As mentioned in the same Psychology Today article
Arguing via email is far from ideal as a form of couple communication. The absence of tonal and facial cues makes it much more difficult to convey a nuanced message—and easier for the reader to misinterpret the sender.
Not being able to see the other person’s eyes well up with tears is a barrier to empathy and understanding. Missing their half-smile means that an attempt at humor can be interpreted as sarcasm. Not being able to reach out and hold the other person’s hand makes it difficult to soften or de-escalate an argument.
Sometimes, email and letters can be viewed as hostile by someone not accustomed to it!
In some workplaces, you might be able to request to speak about something in private where nobody else can listen in. That can work!
However, some people are just not open to reason!
But if they are open to reason, give a written letter a try! It works wonders for me!
PS: But do not confuse letters with facebook/online arguments, where people are writing at each other at full-speed, feeling pressured to come with a quick response and over-looking the fine points the other person said
