In my previous 3 posts, I have criticized either Amy Chua, her fans or those who act like her
http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2011/03/stuff-amy-chua-doesnt-want-you-to-know.html (part 1)
http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2011/04/why-amy-chua-is-dangerous-to-asian.html (part 2)
http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2011/04/why-us-latinos-need-their-own-version.html (part 3)
Obviously, there is many more great criticisms of this pathetic excuse of a human being named Amy Chua!
1) Even the Chinese think Amy Chua is wrong
In my previous post, I really rip to shreds the idea
"that Asians are so great, all because they have Amy Chua styled parenting".
http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2011_04_01_archive.html#3589396273780496004
I noted that things aren't always so great within the Asian communities, and a large portion of the problems have little to do with anti-Asian racism, but more to do with the negative attitudes from people like Amy Chua.
But don't just take my word for it! Many Asians would agree with me!
The following link has reactions to Amy Chua's editorial, from the Chinese. NOT Chinese-Americans, but Chinese living in China
http://blogs.wsj.com/chinarealtime/2011/01/15/tiger-mother-chua-gets-mixed-reviews-in-china/
It’s exactly because of this b.s. style of education that China still has a feudal-slave culture…That’s what distinguishes Chinese people, absolutely no creativity. – jameszog
This kind of mother must have a lot of self-loathing and insecurity, depending on her daughters to make herself feel better. This used to be common in China, but it’s slowly changing. The rules most parents set are not as unreasonable as those the mother in this essay has. – “strongly disagree”
This Chinese mother has abandoned the teachings of her ancestors: “Creating without owning, working without taking credit, leading without dominating, this called primal virtue.” –Tao Te Ching, Chapter 10. – koalatrader
Chinese parents adopt slave society attitudes and make their children into slaves. Parents are a child’s first teachers, and ideally act as teachers throughout their children’s lives, but you have to be careful not to be a negative influence on their development or a leech on them. Classic Chinese parents and classic Western parents both go to extremes. The best would be to find an East-West middle ground. – kpbsrs
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More evidence that many Chinese are turning against this Amy Chua styled parenting. They feel that Chua-style over-emphasis on standards and perfection is hurting their kid's creativity, social skills and problem-solving skills.
http://articles.latimes.com/2011/jan/13/world/la-fg-china-education-20110113
But even as some parents in the West wrung their hands, fretting over an education gap, Chinese commentators reacted to the results with a bout of soul-searching and even an undertone of embarrassment rarely seen in a country that generally delights in its victories on the international stage.
"I carry a strong feeling of bitterness," Chen Weihua, an editor at the state-run China Daily, wrote in a first-person editorial. "The making of superb test-takers comes at a high cost, often killing much of, if not all, the joy of childhood."
In a sense, this is the underbelly of a rising China: the fear that schools are churning out generations of unimaginative worker bees who do well on tests. The government has laid out an ambitious set of plans for education reform by 2020, but so far it's not clear how complete or wide-ranging the changes will be — or whether they will ease the immense pressure on teens in families hungry for a place in the upper or middle class.
"We have seen the advantages and the disadvantages of our education system, and our students' abilities are still weak," said Xiong Bingqi, an education expert at Shanghai's Jiao Tong University. "They do very well in those subjects the teacher assigns them. They have huge vocabularies and they do math well. However, the level of their creativity and imagination is low.
"In the long run, for us to become a strong country, we need talent and great creativity," Xiong said. "And right now, our educational system cannot accomplish this."
(skipped paragraphs)
"We are fully aware of the situation: Their creativity is lacking. They suffer very poor health, they are not strong and they get injured easily," vice principal Chen Ting said. "We're calling on all relevant parties to reduce the burden on our students."
For centuries, stretching back to the days when far-flung scholars trudged dutifully to the capital for the emperor's examinations, the standardized test has held a cherished place in Chinese society, both a tribute to discipline and a great leveling tool among disparate classes and regions.
Today, the examination faced at the end of high school is considered the great maker, and breaker, of careers, determining which university, if any, a student may attend.
There's no spare time for hanging out with friends or volunteer work; forget about clubs or sports. Weekends are spent sharpening academic weak spots in paid tutoring sessions.
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As you can see from those paragraphs, even many Chinese are noticing the flaws of Amy Chua's style of parenting -- More concerned about perfection
, but over-looking the importance of creativity and thinking outside of the box!
You can NOT over-estimate the importance of THINKING OUTSIDE OF THE BOX! It is "thinking outside of the box" that truly made the United States of America an innovative economic power! Things like telephones, cell phones, internet, televisions, light bulbs, recorded music, traffic lights and so much more was invented in the United States
BECAUSE OF the cultural importance of "thinking outside of the box"! This is is something the USA had an advantage over other nations!
This isn't a minor issue here!
The cultural traditions of demanding perfection and blind obedience (both treasured by Amy Chua) might've gave China an image of the "
land of the educated" but the reality is the
over-emphasis on perfection and obedience, and
the under-emphasis on creativity, innovation, and "thinking outside of the box" is what caused China to fall behind the last few centuries. This is what made China so economically weak that it caused them to lose cities to
smaller countries with more advanced militaries like Britain, Portugal and Japan. This is what made many Chinese want to emigrate to other lands. This was what made China vulnerable to bloodthirsty dictators like Mao Zedong!
It is only recently, within my life-time, that many Chinese realize that innovation and creativity is more important than perfection and obedience! It is this realization that helped China catch up to the other Asian nations and the Western nations.
From the editorial "In China, Not all Practice Tough Love"
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059720804985228.html
In "My Kid Is a Medium-Ranking Student," author Fang Gang stresses that children don't necessarily need the highest test scores to enjoy a happy and successful life. "Our society, to some extent, remains a society full of ranking-related prejudice," he writes. But among the students with the top test scores, he asks, "how many have kept independent thinking, creativity and their unique characteristics?"
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And now this one from an Asian-American named Grace Hwang Lynch
http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/01/14/asian_american_perspective_on_tiger_mom_open2011/index.html
No, what disturbs me most is that Chua -- who was raised in America, amongst the professors at Berkeley, during the Marlo Thomas "Free to Be You and Me" years -- would so earnestly believe in this parenting style, and continue to cling to it for nearly the entirety of her daughters' childhoods. Even when her own immigrant parents beg her to stop. Consider this snippet:
"You can't do what Daddy and I did," my mother replied. "Things are different now. Lulu's not you — and she's not Sophia. She has a different personality, and you can't force her."
Throughout the entire book, Chua seems to reiterate the stubborn sentiment that "If it worked for me — and look how successful I turned out — it's good enough for my daughters." There is little ambivalence or introspection about her ways until very late in the story (and her daughters' childhoods). After her willful daughter Lulu, 13, throws a public fit during a family vacation to Russia, Chua finally backs down, letting her quit the violin. She purports to have a new hybrid philosophy that blends the best of both worlds, but in the closing pages, she is unyielding and back to her old ways: "I refuse to buckle to politically correct Western social norms that are obviously stupid," she writes.
Excuse me, Chua? You calling your critics "
politically correct"? You know what's truly "political correctness run amok"? Too many people being too scared of the "race card" to point out that you are abusive scumbag who loves to pick on defenseless kids who can't fight back!
That too many editorialists don't say that,
when they wouldn't restrain themselves from saying such comments about abusive parents of their own race,
is truly a sign that poltical correctness has gone too far!
And this Chua mindset of"
If it worked for me — and look how successful I turned out — it's good enough for my daughters"
is truly stupid! It's like saying
"I hit that kid with a chair, and he's now a scientist, now let's hit more kids with chairs". Because common sense will tell us that the kid becoming a scientist HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH getting hit with a chair!
Some kids won't listen unless you're stern with them! Other kids are very sensitive and will only respond well to a lighter tone of voice.
While parents and teachers might not right away know which tone of voice works best with a certain child,
really effective ones will figure it out and ADJUST ACCORDINGLY!
Kids are NOT robots! Their minds will differ from another kid!
Effective parents and teachers are flexible! Effective parents and teachers will have REMORSE if they have gone too far!
Amy Chua has no remorse. Her mindset is "
I do what I like!" Of course, Miss
"I can can scream my kids into success" isn't an athlete! She can't play ball with the big girls of the WNBA!
If she tried to act tough to them on the court,
she would get SLAMMED DOWN!
Some commentary in reaction to Lynch's editorial
Friday, January 14, 2011 10:31 AM ET
Good analysis
I think you got it- this is really about her ego: looke at me, I'm a Yale law professor. I'm as successful as anyone can be, and if it worked for me, then it must be the best way to parent.
My wife is a Chinese immigrant professor, and although she stresses hard work, responsibility and education, she finds these traditional, draconian methods useless.
—Straelbora
2) It is NOT just either "be like Amy Chua or be mega-lenient"
People have made lame excuses for Amy Chua, saying stuff like "
at least she's not letting her kids play video games all day!"
But that's like a theft telling the jury "
at least I didn't kill anyone!". THAT WASN'T THE POINT OF THE TRIAL! The trial wasn't about anyone getting killed, it was about items getting stolen! Just because the thief didn't kill anyone,
that doesn't erase the fact that the thief committed a different type of wrong.
This
"at least she's not letting her kids play video games all day!" nonsense
is totally missing our point! Sure, most of us don't want our kids playing video games all day!
But it doesn't erase the fact that Chua is committting a different type of bad parenting, which is vicious insults
(aka verbal terrorism) and
over-reacting to her kids errors while they're learning new skills.
Parents who do that without remorse are truly the scum of the earth!
--
You don't need to have Chua-like viciousness to raise productive kids
In defense of Laissez-Faire Parenting
http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2011/01/10/in-defense-of-laissez-faire-parenting/
My parents, professionals who both worked full-time, were very low pressure. There were few mandates to do homework, get As, or practice our instruments for my brother, sister and me. Unlike the Chua kids, we were in school plays, were allowed to watch TV until we “were blue in the face,” my mom jokes, and we attended plenty of sleepovers and playdates. Our kitchen was so stocked with junk food (and our TV had so many cable channels) that some of our friends preferred to hang out in our basement as we were considered a “fun house.”
So how did my parents’ laissez-faire parenting style turn out? My brother, sister and I all enjoyed school, got top grades and went to Harvard or Yale. Although I was never great at music, my brother and sister became top-notch musicians, and my sister even sings professionally. The three of us are doing just fine career-wise in financial services, journalism, education and music. And we are happy and close to our families, partners and friends.
There's plenty of successful people who come from such free-spirited circumstances! They had parents who gave them the freedom to explore,
freedom to risk failure without stigma, freedom to find something to enjoy!
They had parents who were role models of being a success without excess anxiety! They grow up not only to be success, but happy with their lives!
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More comments from the Grace Hwang Lynch editorial I mentioned earlier
http://letters.salon.com/mwt/feature/2011/01/14/asian_american_perspective_on_tiger_mom_open2011/view/?show=all
Here's a Chua fan who think he's so slick
Moreover
If you think excellence is irrelevant, then you must once of Cary Tennis' "I'm 28 and need 10 more years to find myself" people.
—Jet Black Rainbow
He is mocking a few people who write to Salon's advice columnist who are young adults who are unsure what to do in life! Mr "
Jet Black Rainbow" thinks that an Amy Chua parent can prevent that?
But here's someone giving him a dose of reality
jetblackrainbow
Strange you might bring up Cary Tennis's letter-writers, because every one of those 28-year olds still trying to find themselves happens to mention their family or upbringing, it inevitably sounds amazingly similar to that of Ms. Chua's kids here.
I've never seen a Cary Tennis letter writer (or any other advice columnist letter-writer for that matter) say something like "I'm emotionally f*cked up and have suicidal thoughts.... and it's because my parents showered me with affection and allowed me the freedom to be who I wanted to be."
Nope.. almost every time it's "I was raised in a f*cked up household with a controlling, type "A" mother/father for whom I was never good enough. And now I'm an insecure wreck who cannot relate to the world and maintain healthy human relationships."
But keep telling yourself that it's the wishy-washy liberals who aren't scared shitless over showing their children affection that raise f*cked up adults, and not the insecure father (you, I'm guessing) who thinks that being a good parent means constantly berating your kids and never, ever, eeeeeeever showing them any warmth or having any respect for their feelings and emotions.
Yup... keeeeeeep telling yourself that. If you repeat it to yourself enough, maybe it will become true.
—Crafty Bernardo
Jet Black Rainbow responds to Crafty Bernardo with a
pathetic comeback
Crafty Bernardo
How sad that you think so. Here they are nearly 30 and letting them get a quarter million in debt to pursue that MFA in Medieval Italian Poetry was 'pushing' them. Well if your parents were 6th generation Patrician bluebloods maybe that's true.
But the sad fact is that if you don't know that people have to be shoved a bit to get them in the right direction then you sir, are probably irredeemable. But hey, if you find me someone who issued from the womb already halfway through Med School, let me know.
People don't 'crack up' because they're pushed. They crack up because they're prone to cracking up. I can't even imagine the horrors in his career Golden Voice Ted Williams had to endure to turn him into a crackhead. It must have been brutal doing radio. Let's not push.
—Jet Black Rainbow
Crafty Bernardo gives him a dose of reality, addressing the stuff I underlined in the previous paragraph!
Friday, January 14, 2011 01:44 PM ET
Jet Black Rainbox....
What the hell are you talking about???? that first paragraph was utterly incoherent.
All I said was that, if you pay any attention to Cary Tennis's column, you should have by now noticed the undeniable link between those who "crack up" and those who have type-A, controlling parents.
Cracking up takes more than just one component... yes, some just have inherently weaker dispositions and are just more likely to crack up... but if that's the case, well then the ball-peen hammer of an narcissistic, shallow parent will certainly complete the job.
I didn't need to be "shoved" by my parents to conform to their ideal of what was "in the right direction" academically or professionally. That's the thing here... there are certain things that, of course, a parent should impart in their kids... respect, work ethic, positivity, fortitude... but you are much better served allowing a child to determine who their going to be and what their going to do with their life than to try and force them into what YOU think they should do with their life like a square peg in a round hole.
My parents, for example, were the liberal hippy touchy-feely lovey dovey types that, per your opinion (i.e. "the laws of nature"), produce pampered liberal arts societal leaches. My parents didn't 'shove' me 'in the right direction'. They treated me with love and respect, expected me to do chores and get decent (not perfect, decent) grades and stay out of trouble with the law. There were consequences, but there sure as hell was no 'shoving', thank God. And as a result, I ended up with a degree in Finance from one of the best business programs in the country. My parents certainly would not have chosen that for me if they were doing the 'shoving'... and if they had 'shoved' me to do as they thought I should, I probably would have chaffed under the forced path, rebelled, and wound up a helluva lot less "successful" than I am now.
I actually have first-hand knowledge of this, as my parents "shoved" the hell out of my sister, who's five years older than me, when she was young and went from straight "A"s to having a few "B"s and "C" and she went from a brilliant and good, but not perfect, student to a rebellious D student and, eventually, a life of following the Grateful Dead around the country and blaming my parents for everything that wasn't right in her life. LOL.
By the time I got to the same age and was bringing home mostly good grades, but with "B"s and "C"s here and there, my parents realized the error in their ways and they told me "it's your life, here's the potential consequences of C's and B's instead of all A's. Now we'll get out of your way and you can do what you want with this information, because in the end it's your life to live."
And here I am with a very successful career to show for it because I did what I wanted to do and took full responsibility for my life, with a big assist from my parents.
With people, especially teenagers, sometimes less is more. Impart wisdom, tell them of consequences, let them make their own decisions, tell them that they need to cope with the results of those decisions, because they made them, not Mom &; Dad. They'll be much better off for it than the human puppetteer approach espoused by you and "TigerBitchMom" here.
—Crafty Bernardo
Since "JetBlackRainbow" had no response to this, Crafty Bernardo won the debate! He mentioned REAL LIFE EXAMPLES of how his parents became more flexible, more accepting that (OMG......no)
kids can learn from failure without their parents getting all vicious on them!
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Here's another person who gets it right!
A straw man
For God's sake. NONE of the criticism of Chua that I've seen has said you shouldn't push your child to do better. Of course he should re-copy the report in better handwriting. That's not just pushing, that's also useful information. Of course, pay more attention at the soccer game.
That's NOT what the criticism of Chua's methods is about. It's about how this kind of parenting gives the kids the idea that if you're not perfect you're a total abject worthless failure. One blogger described an A- grade as an "Asian American F." In Lynch's terms, it wouldn't be enough to pay attention during the soccer game; a kid would be a failure unless he scored 7 goals in every game he played in. And yes, I know that's unusual in soccer. That's the point. It can't be done but some parents expect it anyway.
Calling a child garbage for some act that Chua deems disrespectful (but does not describe) is horrible. I went through similar stuff from the grandmother who raised me and I did well despite it, not because of it (and after years of therapy and work). I certainly did not see my grandmother as anyone who would help me if I had a problem. In fact, I never ever told her any of my problems. When I was 18 I moved out and after that I never went near her except for short duty visits.
Chua's daughters are still in their teens. I'll be curious to read the follow-up and see how they are doing in 10 years.—AnnieCat
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Friday, January 14, 2011 03:25 PM ET
"garbage" does not equal requesting a kid to neaten homework
Just read the WSJ article, but haven't read the "Tiger Mother" book. Calling abusive language and screaming at one's kids "tough love" is a bit of a stretch for me. I'm confused how not wanting your kids to drop out of Chinese School or wanting them to recopy their messy homework can be equated with another parent calling her child a cruel name like "garbage." Tough love is still love, so it can't be devoid of being respectful to another human being. Encouraging your child to work hard may or may not be considered "tough love" depending on your approach, but doing so through aggressive behavior and abusive language is not love. I don't see this as an east/west divide. How does one expect her/his child to be successful in the world if the example they set is that it's okay to treat others badly? Respecting elders doesn't give the elders a free pass to be abusive to their children. Why does it have to be a choice between total "child-centered" rearing and drill sergeant-style rearing? There are no other options?
—Jenkins Green
Notice
I highlighted with these colors! I'll repeat it again
How does one expect her/his child to be successful in the world if the example they set is that it's okay to treat others badly?
It is ZERO surprise when I find out that some of rudest kids I've ever met have verbally abusive parents! Why should that be a surprise? If all a kid notices that the adults in his/her life only talk in a rude tone of voice, then that's the only way that kid knows how to talk! Yet we're surprised when that kid is rude to everyone else?
Kids need role models who emphasize the importance of respect, even respecting those who are more vulnerable than you! Amy Chua is a CRAPPY ROLE MODEL ON THE ISSUE! Her Ivy League credentials doesn't erase that fact!
3) Achievement is Fine, but it's not everything
Chua thinks all you need to do is push your child to have good grades, play a musical instrument with pefection, and all will be well.
In
an example I wished I remembered to add in an earlier blog post is Esmie Tseng. Tseng was a girl from an Chinese immigrant family (like Chua's family)
Tseng had good grades and took part in extra-curricular activities. Chua thinks a girl like that will grow up to be mentally stable. Well, Amy Chua better hope and pray her kids don't react like how Esmie Tseng reacted to her Chau-styled parents
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4967340.stm
"It made me feel so childish, but I suppose that's really what all parents want," the 16-year-old honour student from Overland Park, Kansas, wrote.
"I've been trying... to make them smile, make them feel better, take Esmie off their list of worries and concerns."
Ten days later, she stabbed her mother to death with a knife in an incident that apparently took the mother and daughter through several rooms of their home.
The killing stunned the comfortable middle-class, Middle American community where the Tseng family lived.
Esmie was ranked among the best classical pianists of her age in the state. She got top marks in school. She competed in athletic meetings and was on the debating team.
She was - in the words of local father Jacob Horwitz - "a kid any parent would be proud of".
See,
success (with all its rewards) is not everything! You can be successful and miserable at the same time! You might've achieved,
but the people around you can screw it all up!
more from that article, which Chua ignores at her peril
Like many teenagers with diaries, she had written of her hatred for them, especially her mother.
"My God," Jacob Horwitz remembers thinking when he read her weblog, "it's a shame that another parent didn't see this yesterday. It's a cry for help."
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More evidence that achievement and succes does NOT equal emotional stability
More comments from Grace Hwang Lynch's editorial on Amy Chua
http://letters.salon.com/mwt/feature/2011/01/14/asian_american_perspective_on_tiger_mom_open2011/view/?show=all
@jared2
Don't conflate success in the classroom with success in life. I just interviewed a nice chinese woman who appears to be extremely intelligent and diligent. She will, however, forever be a mid-level employee due to lack of creativity and confidence.
Not allowing children to be children has its price. If Frank Gehry's grandmother had taken away his blocks and made him play the piano, we wouldn't have the gorgeous Bilbao Guggenheim.
Just sayin'.
—tonydavisnelson
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Another problem with this philosophy I see
I went to an elite school where everyone admitted was "the best" at their high school.
But when you put "the best" together and grade them on a curve, someone of the kids who were trained to get only As are going to get their first Cs and Bs.
Some kids get suicidal over that. They can't imagine how to explain to their parents that they've become C students in college after being A students in high school.
If you always teach your kids to be the best, they might have extreme emotional difficulties when they're at a school where everyone is the best and now the best are going to be graded on a curve with the other best.
Some parents have ended up losing their children like that.
You don't want to raise your kid so that he's going to interpret his first C as meaning the loss of your love and the end of his life.
—Silenced
And now, some wisdom from a teacher with experience dealing with high-achieving kids
Friday, January 14, 2011 03:51 PM ET
Advice from a teacher
For many immigrant parents, admission to an Ivy, Stanford, MIT or a few other highly selective universities/programs is the winning ticket. High achieving first generation parents need to realize that they are seeking admission to American universities with American values. Harvard can fill its class with superbly credentialed Asian students all of whom have 5s on at least eight AP exams and play the violin/piano beautifully, but it won't. This is not about quotas - if just paper credentials mattered, the class would be mostly female - but balance. I don't want to get into the whole legacy, happy lower quarter, athletes, affirmative action discussion, but the highly selective universities seek to fill their classes with the best of a cross section of talents.
My advice to parents would be to make sure their children are surrounded by other children whose families have habits of education, discipline and achievement. That way the kids will have an active social life and friends who share their frustrations because none of them are allowed to watch television or play video games. Parents need to let children make choices. Music instruction is important, but let the kid pick the instrument. Guitar lessons are okay. A child who has natural visual talent should be allowed to develop it, not told that drawing pictures is a waste of time.
And above all children need to know that their parents value and love them, that they are not primarily pieces in a game of one-upsmanship with other parents. In this country too many kids have overblown self esteem, but you haven't "won" as a parent if your kid self-destructs as an adult because he cannot fulfill your aspirations.
—CyclingFool
4) Let the kids have a Childhood
Amy Chua thinks that childhood should be all about stressing out over SATs and classical music concerts. She also thinks anyone who disagrees is a "loser" and a "politically correct parent".
But there's more to childhood than just worrying about getting into Harvard.
Even the former president of Harvard, Larry Summers, agree with me.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704709304576124612242184274.html
It took economist Larry Summers [former head of Harvard], in a debate with Ms. Chua at the World Economic Forum in Davos, to point out that part of the point of childhood is childhood itself. Childhood takes up a quarter of one’s life, Mr. Summers observed, and it would be nice if children enjoyed it.
Bravo, Larry.
Children are not merely adults in training. They are also people with distinctive powers and joys. A happy childhood is measured not only by the standards of adult success, but also by the enjoyment of the gifts given to children alone.
First is the gift of moral innocence: Young children are liberated from the burdens of the knowledge of the full extent of human evil—a knowledge that casts a pall over adult life. Childhood innocence permits children to trust others fully. How wonderful to live (even briefly) with such confidence in human goodness. Childhood innocence teaches us what the world ought to be.
Second is the gift of openness to the future. We adults are hamstrung by our own plans and expectations. Children alone are free to welcome the most improbable new adventures.
Third, children are liberated from the grim economy of time. Children become so absorbed in fantasy play and projects that they lose all sense of time. For them, time is not scarce and thus cannot be wasted.
Finally, we parents are so focused on adult superiority that we forget that most of us produced our best art, asked our deepest philosophical questions, and most readily mastered new gadgets when we were mere children.
Tragically, there is a real conflict within childhood between preparation for adulthood and the enjoyment of the gifts of youth. Preparation for adulthood requires the adoption of adult prudence, discipline and planning that undermine the spontaneous adventure of childhood.
Parents are deeply conflicted about how to balance these two basic demands: raising good little ladies and gentlemen, while also permitting children to escape into the irresponsible joys of Neverland.
Think about it, most of our most cherished memories are childhood memories of fun times. It could running around in the grass, dancing and singing, or even just chilling out and relaxing near a stream. Most of us cherish such similar memories,
even those of us without ideal parents or ideal childhoods.
It was a time before over-stressing over grades, finances, relationships or careers!
Amy Chua thinks you're being a bad parent if you're not forcing your kids to be over-anxious over grades, finances, relationships or careers.
But most of us will have at least 4 decades of adulthood to over-stress on such issues. Couldn't we allow the kids to have time to just enjoy life without dealing with such pressures? Couldn't we just (gasp, OMG .... noooooooooo!) let them have a childhood?
Another author, Bryan Caplan had a new book called "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids"
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703806304576242661295724864.html
Caplan has a mix of stupid and great ideas. Caplan's stupid idea is to encourage the idea that "
the average person should have more kids."
I think people with Amy Chua shouldn't even be having kids,
and should've just use birth control, stick to dry humping or just remain abstinent! People like Amy Chua should be a reminder that we should
STOP DEMANDING OUR PEERS TO HAVE KIDS (OR MORE KIDS). Just because your peer is nice to you,
that doesn't mean that person will make a good parent. There's too many parents who put up a good front in public, but are abusive jerks at home! It's people like Chua that is a good example that
WE SHOULD NEVER NAG PEOPLE INTO HAVING KIDS THEY'RE NOT READY TO TAKE CARE OF!
But Caplan made a good point with this
The first step to happier parenting," he observes, "is to abandon 'recreation' enjoyed by neither parent nor child." Your daughter hates ballet class and you hate schlepping her there? Drop it. Planning to travel hundreds of miles for a family vacation that will make everyone miserable? Try a "staycation" instead. Get take-out food, he urges, and hire a housekeeper. But above all get a nanny—even if she doesn't speak fluent English or have a driver's license. Your life will be easier, and your kids won't be any worse off—they may even turn out better, since you'll be setting a better example by being less anxious.
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Chua thinks you can't enjoy something unless you're good at it, and once you're good at it, you'll enjoy. I already mentioned in a previous blog post how BS that is!
More evidence that I'm right, Chua's wrong
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703959104576082434187716252.html
I have a good friend who was raised by a Chinese-style mother, although her parents were actually German. Her mother pushed her to practice the violin for eight hours a day, and she rarely saw other people her age. Now she is my age, and she does not hate her mother or even resent her. She is grateful to her mother for instilling in her a drive and focus that she otherwise would have lacked. What she does hate is music, because it carries for her associations of loneliness and torture. She hasn't picked up the violin in a decade, and these days, she says, classical music leaves her cold. It's not an uncommon sentiment among prodigies: "I hate tennis," Andre Agassi says on the first page of his autobiography, "Open," "hate it with a dark and secret passion, and always have."
(more from that same article)
Because Ms. Chua really likes bullet points, I will offer some of my own:
* Success will not make you happy.
* Happiness is the great human quest.
* Children have to find happiness themselves.
* It is better to have a happy, moderately successful child than a miserable high-achiever.
Jeff Opdyke on his son's youth soccer life
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704843304576126703840029360.html?mod=rss_Money
He finally told me that while he enjoys the game, he isn't as passionate about it as I am. I had just assumed he was because...well, because I wanted to believe it.
The whole experience has been unsettling, and it has forced me to ask myself some difficult questions: Was he putting in all those hard hours just to please me? Did I ignore obvious signs that he wasn't having as much fun as I thought he was? And might he have loved the game, if only I hadn't pushed him to do it more and better?
I don't know all the answers, and I probably never will. But I am convinced of one thing: We parents so often want to believe that our kids share our passions that we're unable -- and often unwilling -- to accept the truth, even when it's in plain sight.
It's embarrassing now, but I've written frequently about my son and soccer. I've described his talent and passion for the game. And I've talked about the sacrifices the family was making so he could pursue his soccer-loving dreams: the endless travel, the out-of-state soccer camps, the time we all spent away from home to attend his practices (two nights a week) and games (as many as four in a weekend).
I was proud of his accomplishments. For several years he played at the highest level, on traveling teams that roamed our home state of Louisiana and the Southeast. He scored goals, and medals hang from a shelf in his bedroom from the various tournaments he and his teammates won from Louisiana to Florida.
Now, though, I see he was just living my dream, not his. All those sacrifices in truth reflected my desire to see him excel in a sport I adore rather than one that resonated with him.
As one of my longtime friends says, "You're so happy believing that your kid loves what you love that you get blinded. And if they're good, it's even harder to see. You just assume their talent means they love what they're doing."
My friend says that because he had loved baseball as a kid, he introduced it to his son at a very young age. His son, in turn, grew up to play the game very well. "I figured he loved it because he was so good at it," my friend says. "But he was actually good at it because I started playing with him so young. It had nothing to do with his own love for the game."
And then one day, at about 12, his son stopped playing [baseball]. "He told me he never really liked it, and he started playing soccer, which he loved. He was a star, even more than at baseball. And more important: He enjoyed it. I had never noticed how much he didn't feel that way about baseball."
I suffered from that same blindness. Looking back, I now recognize that my son never really expressed much emotion about soccer, other than frustration, which I wrote off as teenage moodiness because I didn't want to believe it was the sport.
It's easy for me to now see that his growing frustration was one of many signs I refused to acknowledge.
He celebrated tournament victories with teammates on the field, but off the field he never talked about the sport. He grumbled about the number of practices and games. He never wanted to go to my games, and wasn't interested in watching soccer on TV with me. He stopped kicking the ball with me in the yard, and when he got really frustrated at some soccer comment I'd make he'd say, "Dad, it's not like I'm growing up to be a soccer star, so stop."
And another great comment related to youth soccer.
http://letters.salon.com/mwt/feature/2011/01/14/asian_american_perspective_on_tiger_mom_open2011/view/?show=all
Yelling at a kid about a soccer game?
It's supposed to be fun. If he doesn't want to play, let him quit. It's a game.
Same thing with music. It's fun.
Hard work is overrated, unless you're having fun doing it.
—LeftWingPharisee
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OK, this blog post is pretty long, and I know not everyone has the patience to read long articles, so I'll continue my point in the next blog post!
