Chris Brown, Rihanna, Gender & Violence
1) I remember the night of the Grammy Awards, during ad time, KGMB news mentioned Chris Brown was arrested for hitting a woman!
My first thought "I 'm surprised that Chris Brown to got arrested for ANYTHING"
Chris Brown's image was "the fun-loving guy that a girl can bring home with the approval of her father"!
To say this was shocking was an understatement!
2) What we heard so far about this incident
(warning: this ain't the Word of God, the real details might be off )
Chris Brown was in a car with Rihanna. Brown got a text message from another woman. Rihanna got real mad and pushed Brown. Brown got real angry, not just pushing back, but punching, choking and biting Rihanna!
This is a re-enactment, but this one using European-American actors
http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/2009/03/20/reenactment/print.html
3) This comes another point -- Hitting a woman in self-defense!
This happens more often than you think!
It's easy to say "I will never hit a woman". You might even believe yourself!
However, in real life, despite what some feminists say, some woman do hit men and do some real damage!
This is from a woman who admitted to hitting her boyfriend
http://jezebel.com/5173723/the-double+standard-is-women-hitting-men-ever-okay
The truth is, I've hit boyfriends in anger. I'm not proud of it, and I debated not writing about it at all, but it's not something I've seen talked about much. I'm not talking beating, but when confronted with infidelity, I've slapped a boyfriend across the face, hard, and more than once, and shoved and struck too. Now, you might say these were extraordinary circumstances, or that because I'm a fairly small woman striking a much larger man it's not so bad, but the fact remains that if the tables were turned, such behavior would be considered appalling.
When I sounded out some friends, several of them admitted to lashing out physically at a boyfriend, and while no one was exactly pleased with themselves over it, it also didn't seem like the Big Deal it obviously would be were a boyfriend doing the same thing. I can't speak for others, but in some ways, I feel like violence was encouraged in me; people always found my temper, with its foot-stomping, drink-tossing, vase-smashing theatrics, to be hilarious, largely because I am so small and because it comes out so rarely. Like my grandmother, I was "a spitfire," my grandpa always said approvingly. As a result, I didn't work to curb it as I should have, probably feeling in some way that it even denoted "spunk" or something, and doubtless there was some half-baked, unacknowledged idea of "lady's prerogative" at work, a double-standard I'd consciously have mocked.
(skip to middle of last paragraph)
I remember the look of shock on my shrink's face when I told him I'd struck my boyfriend; it was then that it really hit home (no pun intended.) There was no justifying it or explaining it away; it had been violence, pure and simple, and the accident of being small didn't change that fact. Mitchell says, "in a situation like this, a few whacks might be the only way a woman can hold onto her dignity." Well, take it from me: it doesn't make you feel dignified. And thank goodness for that.
---
and from the comments to that blog
This topic drives absolutely mad with rage sometimes. I've known a couple where the girl was seriously beating on the guy. Punches in the face and body that were seriously hard. He slapped her once in the face to get her to stop from the shock and then he was completely vilified by almost everyone else who was around (this happened at a party).
What the hell else is he supposed to do when she won't stop? And WHY is no one telling this woman that she is abusive?
--
This reminds me of the movie "Baby Boy" featuring Tyrese and Snoop Dogg. In the movie, Tyrese's character (Jody) had a girlfriend prone to angry, jealous rage. Jody was usually a calm, mellow guy. Anyways, the girlfriend had another jealous rage, yelling & slapping Jody at high speed.
Jody was so fed up with his girlfriend's physical assault, that he just slapped her face hard. Not even a second has passed when Jody was apologizing. You can sense it was "what have I just done, I'm not supposed to do that"
----
Another comment from that blog, this time from a tall woman
I've slapped a guy exactly once in my life, and immediately regretted it. And, as a tall Amazon who could probably do some damage if she wanted, no one is going to point to my small size as in the examples given above. Granted I was 17 at the time and a stupid kid, but still. Violence is not okay. Now I'm more likely to just yell.
---
Back to the self-defense thing, and the situation from the movie "Baby Boy". That part of the movie really hit home with me!
I grew up with the sense of "men shouldn't abuse women". I grew up outraged hearing stories of men abusing their wives.
However, I also knew some women can be VERY abusive and mean!
In the 9th grade, in English class, there was one girl who was shallow and rude. Stereotyped me as "lacking intelligence" when she first met me (and ironically asking me for help with an assignment in our senior year..... so much for her racist stereotypes).
One day, when a teacher was trying to settle the class down, I told that girl to "Shut Up"
She said "come say it to my face"
I didn't want to be seen as soft, so I walked to her desk and told her "Shut Up"
At that point, I really thought I was just go back to my desk with ZERO problem!
That girl had other plans.
Just as I was about to turn around and go back to my desk, she ran up and attacked me with full violent force!
At that point, you don't have time to think. You gotta defend yourself! I pushed her back and hit her in self-defense!
The reaction among my peers was mixed!
Some thought the whole incident was funny!
Some accused me of "being abusive" and said "you're not supposed to hit girls". I like to see what they would do if they were attacked by a violent woman!
Also, this whole idea of "you're not supposed to hit girls" is sexist crap!
Why didn't anyone tell that girl "you're not supposed to hit boys"?
Why not "you're not supposed to hit anyone (of any gender) unless they hit you"?
But what REALLY SURPRISED ME was when I was explaining the incident to a few girls who asked about it, they were actually smiling at me! I'm NOT making that up! I honestly did NOT expect that to happen!
I mean, before that, I thought all woman would automatically side with the girl in a fight with a boy No Matter What! I learned THAT'S NOT TRUE!
I never asked why they were smiling, and if I was to ask now, they might not even remember or even deny it!
I will guess that those girls thought that my attacker was a "b*****" and that I was the more honorable person in this whole mess!
They also probably remembered the times I was provoked by others and I kept my calm and never lashed out at those troublemakers, so they knew I wasn't some abusive punk-ass!
Anyways, the teacher in the class didn't send us to the office, probably fearing the administrators would believe the girl over me due to gender bias!
Ironically, as a substitute teacher, if anyone fights, I just send them to the office -- boy, girl, whatever. I just make sure to inform security/administrators if the girl hit first if that was the case! (and in all cases so far, it was the girl who hit the boy first)
4) If Rihanna did hit Brown first, the question was --- in self defense, how far is too far!
In my case, I did NOT choke or bite my attacker, as Brown was alleged to have done to Rihanna.
Here's what Tyra Banks said on this situation
http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/feature/2009/03/12/oprah_domestic_violence/index.html
The episode did fail to thoroughly address one topic, however, that has been preoccupying me (and, I know, many Broadsheet readers): the rumor that Rihanna hit Brown first. When one high schooler mentioned it during the show, Tyra quickly pointed out that, if it's true, Brown should have been allowed to defend himself without using excessive force. It is, of course, inexcusable to slap your boyfriend. But choking your girlfriend, threatening to kill her and sending her to the hospital with a face full of blood and bruises elevates the situation to a dangerous extreme.
This is like any controversy over police brutality!
Police have to arrest guys who have violent tendencies and who ain't going to submit to an arrest without a fight! The police have to use some force!
However, sometimes, the police are so caught up in their frustrations, that they go beyond what's necessary.
Just like the Rodney King case, where 4 European-American cops brutally beat an African-American drunk driving suspect Rodney King.
At first, King was un-cooperative, and argued with police. He was hard to take down.
However, even when he was already down, in a situation where the cops could've just teamed and put handcuffs on King, the cops were going crazy with their batons, hitting his head repeatedly, kicking his head, still hitting him when he was non-responsive!
This was all videotaped.
While King was no angel that night, the police went overboard and made things worse than it should've!
Same with Brown. If the details were true, he might've been justified if all he did was pushed Rihanna away from him IF she hit him first! But Brown went overboard, went nuts in choking and biting her! That was brutality!
5) In the 1990's, the most legendary musicians were Kurt Cobain (lead singer of rock band Nirvana) and rapper Tupac Shakur (aka 2pac)
Both had emphasized that other rockers/rappers as well as their fans should treat women with respect!
However, real life sometimes get in the way!
Cobain was once arrested for hitting his wife. Cobain was married to Courtney Love, a female rock star who had a history of temper tantrums! Cobain was usually a mild-mannered person! So I wouldn't be surprised if Love started the fights, Cobain defended himself (or did what Tyrese's character did in Baby Boy) and was the one arrested due to gender bias!
As for 2pac he had a hit song "Keep Ya Head Up" which he expressed sympathy for woman who were abused or had to raise their kids without their father around! This was inspired by his mom having to struggle to raise him without a constant fatherly presence!
However, one night in 1993, 2pac was partying and met a female at the club. They were dancing together and 2pac brought her to his hotel room! His friends were at the hotel room! The details are murky, but Tupac was accused of rape! 2pac claimed the sex was consensual!
While 2pac was acquitted of rape charges, he was convicted of unlawful sexual contact (touching someone without permission) and had to spend about a year in prison!
This inspired some rappers to say that if they bring a girl to their room, they would videotape the whole thing, so they won't be "set up like 2pac was!
The people who knew 2pac said he was usually respectful around woman and was playful around them. They said 2pac was usually a friendly guy, but had serious problems controlling his anger, which got him into other legal trouble. Despite all this, most of the people who knew 2pac personally said they had a hard time believing he would rape someone!
The lesson is -- even for guys who preach respect for women, they still need to work at keeping themselves from lapsing into bad behavior!
It ain't easy being good all the time, but as in the case of Chris Brown, Tupac Shakur and Kurt Cobain, we don't want to be known as the "good guys who went too far!" We got to mentally prepared to respond to everything the correct way. It ain't easy, but it's necessary!
6) I'm running out of time, but I want to link to the Honolulu Advertiser's special report on domestic violence
http://www.honoluluadvertiser.com/section/domesticviolence
It talks about many details of domestic violence and the tragic stories behind them!
---
Also, another woman was killed by her ex-boyfriend earlier this week.
Even after all the chokings and kidnappings he committed, Toi Nofoa still wasn't in prison on March 17, 2009. He was free to roam the streets as if he did nothing wrong.
That day, he went near Royal Kaukani's home and shot her dead!
http://www.honoluluadvertiser.com/article/20090320/NEWS01/903200365/1001
My first thought "I 'm surprised that Chris Brown to got arrested for ANYTHING"
Chris Brown's image was "the fun-loving guy that a girl can bring home with the approval of her father"!
To say this was shocking was an understatement!
2) What we heard so far about this incident
(warning: this ain't the Word of God, the real details might be off )
Chris Brown was in a car with Rihanna. Brown got a text message from another woman. Rihanna got real mad and pushed Brown. Brown got real angry, not just pushing back, but punching, choking and biting Rihanna!
This is a re-enactment, but this one using European-American actors
http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/2009/03/20/reenactment/print.html
3) This comes another point -- Hitting a woman in self-defense!
This happens more often than you think!
It's easy to say "I will never hit a woman". You might even believe yourself!
However, in real life, despite what some feminists say, some woman do hit men and do some real damage!
This is from a woman who admitted to hitting her boyfriend
http://jezebel.com/5173723/the-double+standard-is-women-hitting-men-ever-okay
The truth is, I've hit boyfriends in anger. I'm not proud of it, and I debated not writing about it at all, but it's not something I've seen talked about much. I'm not talking beating, but when confronted with infidelity, I've slapped a boyfriend across the face, hard, and more than once, and shoved and struck too. Now, you might say these were extraordinary circumstances, or that because I'm a fairly small woman striking a much larger man it's not so bad, but the fact remains that if the tables were turned, such behavior would be considered appalling.
When I sounded out some friends, several of them admitted to lashing out physically at a boyfriend, and while no one was exactly pleased with themselves over it, it also didn't seem like the Big Deal it obviously would be were a boyfriend doing the same thing. I can't speak for others, but in some ways, I feel like violence was encouraged in me; people always found my temper, with its foot-stomping, drink-tossing, vase-smashing theatrics, to be hilarious, largely because I am so small and because it comes out so rarely. Like my grandmother, I was "a spitfire," my grandpa always said approvingly. As a result, I didn't work to curb it as I should have, probably feeling in some way that it even denoted "spunk" or something, and doubtless there was some half-baked, unacknowledged idea of "lady's prerogative" at work, a double-standard I'd consciously have mocked.
(skip to middle of last paragraph)
I remember the look of shock on my shrink's face when I told him I'd struck my boyfriend; it was then that it really hit home (no pun intended.) There was no justifying it or explaining it away; it had been violence, pure and simple, and the accident of being small didn't change that fact. Mitchell says, "in a situation like this, a few whacks might be the only way a woman can hold onto her dignity." Well, take it from me: it doesn't make you feel dignified. And thank goodness for that.
---
and from the comments to that blog
This topic drives absolutely mad with rage sometimes. I've known a couple where the girl was seriously beating on the guy. Punches in the face and body that were seriously hard. He slapped her once in the face to get her to stop from the shock and then he was completely vilified by almost everyone else who was around (this happened at a party).
What the hell else is he supposed to do when she won't stop? And WHY is no one telling this woman that she is abusive?
--
This reminds me of the movie "Baby Boy" featuring Tyrese and Snoop Dogg. In the movie, Tyrese's character (Jody) had a girlfriend prone to angry, jealous rage. Jody was usually a calm, mellow guy. Anyways, the girlfriend had another jealous rage, yelling & slapping Jody at high speed.
Jody was so fed up with his girlfriend's physical assault, that he just slapped her face hard. Not even a second has passed when Jody was apologizing. You can sense it was "what have I just done, I'm not supposed to do that"
----
Another comment from that blog, this time from a tall woman
I've slapped a guy exactly once in my life, and immediately regretted it. And, as a tall Amazon who could probably do some damage if she wanted, no one is going to point to my small size as in the examples given above. Granted I was 17 at the time and a stupid kid, but still. Violence is not okay. Now I'm more likely to just yell.
---
Back to the self-defense thing, and the situation from the movie "Baby Boy". That part of the movie really hit home with me!
I grew up with the sense of "men shouldn't abuse women". I grew up outraged hearing stories of men abusing their wives.
However, I also knew some women can be VERY abusive and mean!
In the 9th grade, in English class, there was one girl who was shallow and rude. Stereotyped me as "lacking intelligence" when she first met me (and ironically asking me for help with an assignment in our senior year..... so much for her racist stereotypes).
One day, when a teacher was trying to settle the class down, I told that girl to "Shut Up"
She said "come say it to my face"
I didn't want to be seen as soft, so I walked to her desk and told her "Shut Up"
At that point, I really thought I was just go back to my desk with ZERO problem!
That girl had other plans.
Just as I was about to turn around and go back to my desk, she ran up and attacked me with full violent force!
At that point, you don't have time to think. You gotta defend yourself! I pushed her back and hit her in self-defense!
The reaction among my peers was mixed!
Some thought the whole incident was funny!
Some accused me of "being abusive" and said "you're not supposed to hit girls". I like to see what they would do if they were attacked by a violent woman!
Also, this whole idea of "you're not supposed to hit girls" is sexist crap!
Why didn't anyone tell that girl "you're not supposed to hit boys"?
Why not "you're not supposed to hit anyone (of any gender) unless they hit you"?
But what REALLY SURPRISED ME was when I was explaining the incident to a few girls who asked about it, they were actually smiling at me! I'm NOT making that up! I honestly did NOT expect that to happen!
I mean, before that, I thought all woman would automatically side with the girl in a fight with a boy No Matter What! I learned THAT'S NOT TRUE!
I never asked why they were smiling, and if I was to ask now, they might not even remember or even deny it!
I will guess that those girls thought that my attacker was a "b*****" and that I was the more honorable person in this whole mess!
They also probably remembered the times I was provoked by others and I kept my calm and never lashed out at those troublemakers, so they knew I wasn't some abusive punk-ass!
Anyways, the teacher in the class didn't send us to the office, probably fearing the administrators would believe the girl over me due to gender bias!
Ironically, as a substitute teacher, if anyone fights, I just send them to the office -- boy, girl, whatever. I just make sure to inform security/administrators if the girl hit first if that was the case! (and in all cases so far, it was the girl who hit the boy first)
4) If Rihanna did hit Brown first, the question was --- in self defense, how far is too far!
In my case, I did NOT choke or bite my attacker, as Brown was alleged to have done to Rihanna.
Here's what Tyra Banks said on this situation
http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/feature/2009/03/12/oprah_domestic_violence/index.html
The episode did fail to thoroughly address one topic, however, that has been preoccupying me (and, I know, many Broadsheet readers): the rumor that Rihanna hit Brown first. When one high schooler mentioned it during the show, Tyra quickly pointed out that, if it's true, Brown should have been allowed to defend himself without using excessive force. It is, of course, inexcusable to slap your boyfriend. But choking your girlfriend, threatening to kill her and sending her to the hospital with a face full of blood and bruises elevates the situation to a dangerous extreme.
This is like any controversy over police brutality!
Police have to arrest guys who have violent tendencies and who ain't going to submit to an arrest without a fight! The police have to use some force!
However, sometimes, the police are so caught up in their frustrations, that they go beyond what's necessary.
Just like the Rodney King case, where 4 European-American cops brutally beat an African-American drunk driving suspect Rodney King.
At first, King was un-cooperative, and argued with police. He was hard to take down.
However, even when he was already down, in a situation where the cops could've just teamed and put handcuffs on King, the cops were going crazy with their batons, hitting his head repeatedly, kicking his head, still hitting him when he was non-responsive!
This was all videotaped.
While King was no angel that night, the police went overboard and made things worse than it should've!
Same with Brown. If the details were true, he might've been justified if all he did was pushed Rihanna away from him IF she hit him first! But Brown went overboard, went nuts in choking and biting her! That was brutality!
5) In the 1990's, the most legendary musicians were Kurt Cobain (lead singer of rock band Nirvana) and rapper Tupac Shakur (aka 2pac)
Both had emphasized that other rockers/rappers as well as their fans should treat women with respect!
However, real life sometimes get in the way!
Cobain was once arrested for hitting his wife. Cobain was married to Courtney Love, a female rock star who had a history of temper tantrums! Cobain was usually a mild-mannered person! So I wouldn't be surprised if Love started the fights, Cobain defended himself (or did what Tyrese's character did in Baby Boy) and was the one arrested due to gender bias!
As for 2pac he had a hit song "Keep Ya Head Up" which he expressed sympathy for woman who were abused or had to raise their kids without their father around! This was inspired by his mom having to struggle to raise him without a constant fatherly presence!
However, one night in 1993, 2pac was partying and met a female at the club. They were dancing together and 2pac brought her to his hotel room! His friends were at the hotel room! The details are murky, but Tupac was accused of rape! 2pac claimed the sex was consensual!
While 2pac was acquitted of rape charges, he was convicted of unlawful sexual contact (touching someone without permission) and had to spend about a year in prison!
This inspired some rappers to say that if they bring a girl to their room, they would videotape the whole thing, so they won't be "set up like 2pac was!
The people who knew 2pac said he was usually respectful around woman and was playful around them. They said 2pac was usually a friendly guy, but had serious problems controlling his anger, which got him into other legal trouble. Despite all this, most of the people who knew 2pac personally said they had a hard time believing he would rape someone!
The lesson is -- even for guys who preach respect for women, they still need to work at keeping themselves from lapsing into bad behavior!
It ain't easy being good all the time, but as in the case of Chris Brown, Tupac Shakur and Kurt Cobain, we don't want to be known as the "good guys who went too far!" We got to mentally prepared to respond to everything the correct way. It ain't easy, but it's necessary!
6) I'm running out of time, but I want to link to the Honolulu Advertiser's special report on domestic violence
http://www.honoluluadvertiser.com/section/domesticviolence
It talks about many details of domestic violence and the tragic stories behind them!
---
Also, another woman was killed by her ex-boyfriend earlier this week.
Even after all the chokings and kidnappings he committed, Toi Nofoa still wasn't in prison on March 17, 2009. He was free to roam the streets as if he did nothing wrong.
That day, he went near Royal Kaukani's home and shot her dead!
http://www.honoluluadvertiser.com/article/20090320/NEWS01/903200365/1001
posted by Pablo at
3/20/2009 08:09:00 PM
