Gender Double Standards

While it is silly to think there's no difference between an average male and an average female and it is silly to think that those differences are only the result of "society" (nevermind genetics, evolution, biology, etc)...... we also have to remember not everyone is average! And there's nothing sinister about not being average!


That being said, sexism and double standards make the world harder than it has to be! In too many cases, people aren't being treated as individuals because of gender stereotypes and double standards.

Anyone can write a whole book (or a set of books) about this issue.

But for now, I just I want to go over 2 different gender double standards, one for males, one for females.


PART 1) Can't Men Be Alone when there's kids around?

Let's pretend you are a grandfather.

You go to a bookstore (by yourself) to buy something for your grandkids?

Who would have a problem with that?

Well, this one woman  in Arizona  does!

Because  .....................omg .................noooooooooooooo.................... he was a man shopping in the children's section by himself .....................................omg...............................noooooooooooooooooooooooo!)

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/06/05/arizona-doctor-ousted-from-barnes-and-noble-for-being-alone-in-children-section/?cmpid=cmty_fb_Arizona_doc_accepts_Barnes_%26_Noble's_apology_after_being_bounced_for_being_in_kid's_section

Dr. Omar Amin, 73, of Scottsdale, said he was shopping for books for his grandchildren at his neighborhood bookstore May 4 when he was bounced simply because he was not accompanied by a child. After initially defending its handling of the matter, the company issued a statement apologizing to Amin. Although Amin was still stinging from the incident, he told FoxNews.com he is closing the book on the matter.

(skipped paragraphs)

Amin said he wound up in the reading area of the children's section after he received a call on his cellphone. He said the area appeared to be empty, and he went there to avoid disturbing other customers.

“This man approached me and asked if I was in the store by myself,” Amin explained. “He said ‘You cannot stay. This is not an area where men are allowed to be by themselves.’

“I did not break any rules,” he said, adding that he was “firmly escorted out” of the store. “If that is Barnes & Noble’s policy, they should put up a sign saying men are not allowed beyond this point unless they are with children.”

Amin, who emigrated from Egypt 45 years ago and is a U.S. citizen, said he was told a female customer had complained about his presence in the children’s section, and said the employee who threw him out cited reports of alleged child molestation in other bookstores. Amin told FoxNews.com he believes his civil rights were violated.

The Arizona Republic identified the Barnes & Noble employee as Todd Voris.
In a statement released to FoxNews.com on Tuesday, Barnes & Noble vice president Mark Bottini said, “We want to apologize to Dr. Amin for a situation in which Dr. Amin was asked to leave the children’s section of our Scottsdale, Ariz., store.”

“We should not have done so,” Bottini said. “It is not our policy to ask customers to leave any section of our stores without justification. We value Dr. Amin as a customer and look forward to welcoming him in any of our stores.”

The article identified that employee as Todd Varis, who ought to be ashamed of himself! Unfortunately, that woman was not identified in the news story. I wish she was identified so she could be publicly humiliated! After all, she PUBLICLY humiliated Dr. Amin in a public area! Someone could have video-recorded the whole thing without knowing the context. Dr Amin could have been a targeted for false accusations which can lead up to  vicious insults and assaults all because of a paranoid sexist sick-minded  slanderous woman!




That woman claim she was just on the look-out for molesters!  She thinks any male looking for children's books is sick minded (even if he's looking for gifts for grandkids......noooooo....) If there's anyone who is sick-minded, it is that paranoid sexist woman!


A female on my facebook list  took a stand for all the males out there......

I saw this on HLN. felt bad for the guy. What if this happened to my husband or my bro? This employee did not use her common sense. And of course, she was only reprimanded.

 AMEN - You go girl!

Yep, ladies, this kind of crap could happen to your brother, husband, father, grandfather, son, nephew, etc.

Think about that before you start getting all paranoid about a lone male in a library, bookstore, public park or anywhere else.

More stuff on anti-male paranoia

(from my earlier blog posts)


http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2011/06/omg-male-is-coming.html


(from Free-Range Queen Lenore Skenazy)
http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2012/06/08/help-an-old-man-is-giving-my-daughter-sea-shells/
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703779704576073752925629440.html





PART  2) Can't a Girl just have some Fun once in a while?

 From  Casey Ishitani, someone on my facebook friend's list

There's still this weird stigma against pole dancers and strippers. "Keep my daughter off the Pole" (inserts Polanski joke, here). Look ... if your concern is that she's being objectified, she'd be objectified anywhere if not on stage. You want her to be leered at where no one can touch her and guys throw money at her and she doesn't have to do anything to them ... or you want her to be perved on while scanning things at the register and if she tells them to fuck off she can be fired by her boss? Again, old feminist principle -- you want less sorrow in the world, fix your MEN.

Thank you Casey!



Now obviously, like every job out there, there can be side effects to working at the strip club! Many quit after a few years, or even a few months!



But the same can be true about retail, food service, office work, labor jobs or any other job out there!


For some odd reason, it is seen as acceptable for people to try out bungee jumping, sky diving, rock climbing and other extreme sports at least once in their lifetime!


But omg ................ sound the alarms.............. sky is falling ............. if a young woman wants to experiment with working at a strip club!


Now, some of you reading feel like telling me "wait until you have kids, wait until you have a daughter"

Of course, fathers are biologically programmed to be nervous for their daughter's safety!


But when your offspring becames an adult, you just have to let it go! You only have a limited influence on your kids, no matter how much things you have done correctly.


The politically incorrect reality is that during young adulthood, males and females want to have fun in a sexual way! Parents will get nervous (and I probably will if I ever live to see my future offspring become young adults)!  But it doesn't erase the fact that young adulthood is a time for people to do all kinds of fun and silly things with their sexual nature!



That can mean wearing certain clothing, some freak dancing (which in reality, is usually a one-song stand on the dance floor, and nothing else  afterwards   ................ COMMON SENSE to anyone with experience in the nightclubs), and even experimenting with "the pole"


Most people will grow out of it and move on to other things anyways.


-------

And plus, some claim that wearing certain things, or just being alone at night will make a woman vulnerable to a rape! 


Nevermind that man are more likely to be victims of other violent crimes than women!


Plus, if a man has no proper respect for other people's boundaries, it would NOT matter what the woman is wearing,  if he has the opportunity to attack! 



The difference between a woman getting raped and not getting raped has NOTHING to do with her clothes or her walking alone at night. The only difference that matters is the presence of a rapist!



 
Like Casey Ishitani said, in this case, fix the man, not the woman!

A Change in Direction

Telling people that you are going to change your life plans can be very awkward.  

While some people are understanding, while others might feel betrayed and abandoned.

For example, last year, when I was working at Ala Moana Macy's, I decided to switch positions WITHIN THE SAME STORE!

While some were understanding, others acted as if I decided to work for a rival company. Nevermind that I Was Still Working In The Same Store!  Just doing a different job, that's all! Some people just can't handle other people moving on, no matter how minor the change.

Now my new announcement is a lot more life-changing than that!

It might shock some people, might disappoint some people!

I am changing some of my long-term goals! 

Some changes in my life will be made.

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First some background! I have been working as a substitute teacher since 2005. It's been 7 years. A good adventurous job where you can be teaching at different schools, different grade levels and different subject, sometimes all in the same week!

However, it is not the most profitable job (especially this time of year)

Because I have worked best with  upper elementary students (grades 3-5), I decided in 2010, that maybe I should pursue a degree in elementary education.

I contacted the University of Hawaii (where I got my bachelors in sociology) and also the University of Phoenix.  The UH College of Ed program was a more daytime oriented program, University of Phoenix was a night school program in which you take 1 class a week.  I decided on the University of Phoenix (UPhx).

I started the UPhx master's program last October. 

While I have been enjoying most of my classes, and did well academically, I began having second thoughts. With all this discussion about full-time teachers having to do countless hours of grading and lesson plans, and record keeping, I kept asking myself "Is This Something that I Really Want To Do?"

Being a substitute teacher, sure you have to deal with the kid's craziness, but once 3pm comes around I'm Done for the Day (special exceptions if something went really wrong today and the admin wants a meeting on the issue.  But that's rare)

But becoming a full-time teacher will mean  I'm Nowhere Near Done at 3pm!  Lesson plans (which you would have to modify for different students, some of whom need extra assistance that the system won't provide), grading papers, paper-work, IEP meetings, committee meetings, etc, etc.

Am I sure I want to do all that?

But the last straw was this UPhx class entitled RDG 530 wanted us (the students) to find a kid to tutor with LAS T MINUTE NOTICE, and have to do so many sessions with so little time to do so!

Couldn't they WAIT until we do Student Teaching for us to do that?


And now that I mentioned Student Teaching, do you know how that works? You do about 4 months in a class, you stay in the school ALL DAY WITHOUT GETTING PAID FOR IT! To add insult to injury, one of the UPhx upper-staff suggest we NOT have a paid job while we're doing Student Teaching! (because we also got to do lesson plans, grading, etc) And they only told us that a week before our first UPhx class! They should have told us before we officially enroll in their program!

Am I sure I want to do all that?

I told my academic advisor, Ray Chun, that I will drop the RDG 530 class for now, and I had concerns about UPhx giving us last minute notices on the class requirements, and my concerns about whether I'll be able to do the un-paid Student Teaching.  Mr Chun was like "you should've known, blah,blah, blah!" It was like being told "too bad, this is what we do, get with our program"

That was a month ago!

This month, I made it official --- I Am Withdrawing From The UPhx Masters in Elementary Education Program!

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I did contact the UH College of Education program earlier this year (while I was already enrolled at UPhx). They mentioned that their students are assigned to observe classrooms and student teach at certain schools.

You would think they assigned the students do observations and Student Teacher at schools near UH-Manoa!

Noooooooooooooo! Those who are enrolling in the next cohort are required to do observations and Student Teaching in West Oahu school complexes (ie Pearl City, Waipahu, Nanakuli, Waianae)

But UH-Manoa is in East Oahu!  As far as I'm concerned, providing Student Teachers for West Oahu schools should be UH-West Oahu's responsibility! Otherwise, why have a West Oahu campus if they're going to force East Oahu residents attending UH-Manoa to do observations and student teaching in West Oahu!
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So what to do, what to do, what to do?

Maybe I should become a librarian!

I did some work as a student helper at various libraries during my under-graduate years at UH-Manoa! I worked 1 semester ( my 1st college semester Fall 1999)  at McCully Library, 2 semesters at UH Hamilton Library(Fall 2000, Spring 2001) , and 2 FULL YEARS at the Library for the Blind and Physically Handicapped (June 2002-August 2004) and I did one semester as the student-librarian for the UH Marine Option Program  (my last undergrad semester - Fall 2004)]

That was all student-helper work!

To become a full-time librarian, you need a Master's Degree in Library and Information Science.

When I got my bachelor's degree from UH in Dec. 2004, I wanted to take a break from being a student. I didn't want to go straight into graduate school!

But now, I think it's time to go back!

Time to go back to UH-Manoa, a campus I loved so much!

Time to go back to UH-Manoa, which unlike UPhx,  has a REAL College Atmosphere with big libraries, eating places, athletic facilities (and teams), a BIG Campus Center, green lawns, ponds, bike paths, and all this cool stuff that UPhx doesn't have (Being that UPhx is just a few floors in a corporate building in downtown)

Time to go back to UH-Manoa, where I can just walk to school!

And  Time to go back to work in the libraries.

I loved visiting libraries as a kid, I loved working as a student helper at the libraries, and I still love visiting libraries.

It's time for me to pursue a full-time library career!
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I have talked to one of the higher ranking staff members at UH-Manoa's Library and Information Science (LIS) program about enrolling in their program.

The earliest I can enroll is in Spring 2013.

Nothing is official yet!  I still have to complete forms, get recommendations, etc.

But I am planning to work towards becoming a librarian!  :)

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I still plan on sub-teaching for a while more. I'm definitely planning to do so for Fall 2012 and am planning to do some of that on the side as I'm pursuing my LIS degree.

But I AM DONE with pursuing a career as a full-time teacher!

I am DONE with University of Phoenix.

That might hurt the feelings of those who invested in me at UPhx. I did enjoy many class discussions there! I enjoyed using their computer room. I did learn many new things! I was finally able to learn power-points and adding graphics to my blog because of UPHX.

And do I have to give a shout-out to the Tech Queen Jade Shiroma and the Security King William Uepa!  Good people, and I do feel bad if they feel abandoned by my change of direction.

I hope the staff and the students don't take it all personal!

But it's time for me to move on!

 It's time for me to re-adjust my goals and start working towards my new goals.

Coming soon

I have some changes in mind about my academic and career goals. I will mention it in a future blog post later this week!

excessive forgiveness can damage you (and others)

Earlier this year, I wrote the blog post "Exposed to the Light" where I answered back to the critics in my life with comebacks I wish I had in my mind when I was personally able to deal with them.

http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2012/03/exposed-to-light.html

But no matter how tough, sharp-wit, take-no-stuff person you believe yourself to be...........
 No matter how tough, sharp-wit, take-no-stuff person you want your public image to be .......

you WILL end up in situations where you are either 1) to caught off guard or 2) in such a severe power imbalance,  that you won't have a response to someone who is hurting you physically, emotionally, whatever!

You got people preaching forgiveness when forgiveness isn't deserved! You got people preaching nonsense like "let it go" as if they don't care how much it hurts.

Well, I wrote about it in the blog post "Pick a side, Mediate or Get out of the way".

http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2012/03/either-pick-side-mediate-or-get-out-of.html


That "preacher of forgiveness"  gave me UNSOLICITED ADVICE when I wrote that "Exposed to the Light". I did NOT write that blog post to get a response, I just wrote it because YOU CAN ONLY HOLD IT IN FOR SO LONG!

He wants me to surrender to my enemies.
He doesn't want me to stand up to the troublemakers.
He thinks it's healthy to hold it in forever!
He thinks you shouldn't hold others accountable for hurting you!
He thinks you should just be a doormat when others hurt you! 

He just preaches this "let it go" manure!

All that does is make me more angry!


Forgiveness is fine, but it has to be earned! 


You don't just give out forgiveness for free!


Forgiveness is earned by a VERY  LONG-TERM RECORD of CONSISTENTLY improved behavior!


However, to those forgiveness preachers that believe "forgiveness should be given out for free or for cheap"  YOU ARE PUTTING PEOPLE IN DANGER!

You wonder why people are reluctant to leave abusive relationships? You wonder why kids hang out with "friends" who bully them? You wonder why people are reluctant to quit jobs in which they have abusive bosses/co-workers? You wonder why people still put up with emotionally abusive parents decades after they are able to provide for themselves!

It's because they heard forgiveness preachers all their lives!

It's hard to turn that message off in your head after so many years of hearing it!


Now, this is just one of many examples of a person who "forgave" her abusive husband for too long!

http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/08/08/i-can-handle-it-on-relationship-violence-independence-and-capability/

In early 2001, a group of friends who had introduced me to my then-boyfriend sat me down at a kitchen table. “We’re worried about you,” one said. “Has he hit you?” The answer, at the time, was no.
Ten months later, I stumble into the emergency room, blood dripping from my nose onto my ripped pajama top, barefoot in the November chill. The receptionist says words to me that make no sense. The only words that make sense are the ones that spill out of my mouth over and over again, the only words that will let the receptionist and the nurses and my friends and my parents know that this isn’t what it looks like, that I’m not one of those women, those women in abusive relationships, those women who can’t help themselves enough to get out: I went to college, I went to college, I went to college.

(skipped paragraphs)

I called in sick to work a lot, or would drag myself in after sleepless nights spent in various states of frenzy that, thankfully, I cannot now recall. I forgot the most basic of things: why I’d walked into the grocery store, how much my rent was, my own phone number. It was depression, sure, but I’d been depressed before, and this was different. This was a fog of having no idea who I was, where I’d gone, or if I might return. This was a fog of having my life completely rearranged to center upon the eye of the storm—an eye that seemed to be the only point of clarity, however distorted it was. This, as it turns out, may have been biological: Abuse, even without resultant PTSD (which I didn’t have), can change brain structures; couple abuse with PTSD and you’ve got increased cortisol levels and other hormone fluctuations.
Which is to say: I was in many ways incapable of helping myself—which, even years later, pains me to say. But there it is: The fog of abuse ensured that my emotions, instincts, and principles were muted; every ounce of energy I had went into my relationship and keeping up the general appearance of sanity. Had you somehow been able to land my healthy, normal status-quo self smack-dab into the worst of my relationship, I’d have gotten out immediately. That’s not how abuse works, of course. Abuse is gradual; abuse is systemic. Abuse changes you; abuse reduces you. Abuse took the me out of me.
I needed the people around me to be more alert than I was capable of being. I needed them to not rely on my cues; I needed them to not take me at my word; I needed them to not treat me as though I were functioning at my best, fullest, most autonomous self. There’s a sentiment within the abuse-prevention community—and the feminist community—that we must respect victims’ autonomy, and it’s a necessary point when coupled with a solid understanding of abuse. But without that fuller understanding, respecting autonomy can too easily lapse into a hands-off approach. Which, when you’re concerned for someone who is in the fog of abuse, can lapse into the realm of danger.

And the comments in response to that blog mentioned the same things. They were from other people who were in abusive relationships, people who thought "it could never happened to me" but it did happen to them, and people who basically FORGIVED their abusers after all the verbal AND physical abuse FOR YEARS, then they finally figured out they forgive too easily and that "forgiveness" MADE THE PROBLEM WORSE!

Sometimes the problems end up with a spouse getting severely injured or EVEN KILLED!

All that happened because people kept demanding unearned forgiveness instead of standing up to the abuser!

While this type of thing has been written about in many articles about domestic abuse, these things are also common in the workplace, among groups of friends, and in other phases of life!  People are expected to forgive those who didn't earn their forgiveness!  The attitude is "dont make waves, suck it up"



Dating columnist Shelley McMurty said it best in one of her daily e-mail  - "Forgiveness can drive you  BatS--- Bonkers!"

And just like money Forgiveness is supposed to be earned!

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Yeah, I know, I'm not perfect either. I have said things that hurt others feelings. But I dont demand forgiveness from those I have hurt!  I dont expect them to forgive me!

I just lead by example, behave in a better way consistently for long periods of time!

That's the only way to earn forgiveness!