http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2013/11/what-is-be-man-supposed-to-mean.html
Little did I know at the time that a major controversy was about to go public related to that topic.
This controversy involved an NFL team Miami Dolphins.
NFL teams are usually considered the ultimate symbol of manhood in the US. The guys who make it to that level are the biggest, largest, strongest, fastest, quickest and toughest. They endured years of playing the game from Pop Warner (aka little leagues), high school and college. They achieved the dream that so many boys wanted but couldn't attain.
However, being in that environment has its price. Playing tackle football means risking (and getting) injuries, some of them life threatening (or in some cases, life ending). You are expected to take pain and pretend everything is OK. After all, you're supposed to project the image of being the toughest of the tough.
And with the environment of Tough Guys, there is always somebody ready to abuse that toughness. A guy who is so tough that nearly everyone is afraid to tell him no.
In the Miami Dolphins, that guy was Richie Icognito. He is an extremely large guy with an extremely quick temper. He is the guy even other tough guys try to appease (read: kiss butt) and woe to anyone who doesn't. He was trouble maker and a bully, which was confirmed by former teammates. He also had drunken binges and sexually assaulted a woman at a team event.
And new to the team was Jonathan Martin. He is also a larger and stronger than your average man. However, he wasn't as large and bulky as Richie Incognito.
Associated Press
Richie Incognito and Jonathan Martin.
Also, Martin wasn't a quick-tempered guy like Richie Incognito. He was more of "take it easy" kind of guy. While that serves a person well in most professions, it does make a person an easy target in NFL locker rooms.
In some locker rooms (not just NFL, not just football, but in general), it is an environment, where every guy gets tested by their peers. That testing can range from pranks, insults, pushing, shoving and even fights. With proper supervision, that sort of stuff gets stopped before it gets worse. Without proper supervision, it becomes a prison-like environment where the regular societal norms don't apply.
As a rookie, Jonathan Martin was tested by his new teammates, with Richie Incognito being the worst of them. Martin being the rookie, tried to appease Incognito, tried to show that "everything is OK".
Martin was also pressured to pay large sums for everybody's meal at expensive restaurants, which has been a common hazing practice in the NFL, that leaves those with short careers going broke. Also mentioned here.
However, a person can only take so much abuse. Martin left the team. Incognito retaliated with a threatening voicemail with racial slurs.
Icognito claimed he was joking. His teammates defended him, even his some of his African-American teammates who considered him an "honorary black", claiming that they can relate more to Richie Incognito than to suburban-raised Jonathan Martin.
Some question Martin's toughness because he didn't take physical action against Incognito. But remember that Incognito is a mega-large guy whose punches can do serious damage to a person's face. Going one-on-one, face-to-face with a guy like Richie Incognito is putting your life at risk.
Also, even if Martin did start a fight with Icognito, he would've been the one in trouble. He would've been the one suspended, and then labeled a "troublemaker" by the media.
And for someone with Jonathan Martin's background (upper-class), don't be surprised if he was trained to "not start trouble", "control your anger" , and "not confirm negative stereotypes of African-American males".
In the inner cities it's different. There, you are trained to "not give a f---", "not to be f----d with" and "who cares what white people think, the authorities are going to profile and harrass you anyways".
But in upper class suburbs, you are trained to "leave it on the field", "don't start trouble", "just say yes officer" and to "not act in ways that scare white people".
That worked well for Jonathan Martin as he became a great student-athlete in high school, then at the prestigious Stanford University.
But at the Miami Dolphins locker rooms, where he is placed with players who are raised differently, who are raised to "not give a f----", "not to be f----d with", and "dont be a sissy" ---- well, that's a problem.
And you know what? It doesn't have to be that way.
Jonathan Martin felt he doesn't have to put up with such nonsense. He didn't come so far in his life, just to put up with abuse. He shouldn't have to be fighting everyday just to get basic respect.
And to the internet "tough guys" who claim Jonathan Martin is "soft", almost NONE of them put up their real names nor their real picture next to their comments.
And probably none of them would win in a real fight with Jonathan Martin anyways.
Some say that the NFL locker room is supposed to be an abusive situation and that those who don't agree are not "football material".
Excuse me?
Let's hear it from guys who actually been in the NFL, guys who not only been in the NFL but also thinks the situation in the Miami Dolphins locker room is stupid.
NFL Hall of Famer and current TV commentator Shannon Sharpe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxLXEkl5iP4
former NFL player Terry Crews
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBiDOBR9YGk&feature=share
(I liked the part where Crews says "that the moment that NFL doesn't have control over you anymore is when you realize 'I can walk away'")
NFL legendary QB and current TV commentator Boomer Esiason
"No Room for Bullying in the NFL"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-bJOQ1RDT8
SuperBowl winning coach Tony Dungy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ztz_ldLWW9I
Dungy says "hazing only happen where it's allowed to happen" and that "there's no place for it". He also said the same thing about fights in training camp.
Dungy also mentioned that while choosing players in the NFL Draft, that he refused to pick Incognito because of his troubles with the law.
Dungy also mentioned that the Icognito situation with Jonathan Martin is not a way to get players to "get tougher".
And remember, Dungy coached a Super Bowl winning team. He has a million times more credibility than all those internet "tough guys" who claimed "Jonathan Martin is soft"
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Of course, some of those Internet Tough Guys (similar to "studio gangstas") bring up the example of basic training in the military.
Well, read this article from a US Marine
http://www.sbnation.com/2013/11/5/5065834/jonathan-martin-richie-incognito-dolphins-rookie-hazing
In the Marine Corps, hazing is a crime punishable by at least seven different articles of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, according to Marine Corps Order 1700.28, first issued in 1997 and regularly updated since then. The Marines define hazing as "any conduct whereby one military member ... causes another military member ... to suffer or be exposed to an activity which is cruel, abusive, humiliating, or oppressive."
and more
and moreThe Commandant of the Marine Corps who issued the order, Gen. Charles Krulak, set about changing the culture of a 170,000-person organization where pinning and "blood striping" (kneeing a newly promoted corporal in the thigh until he couldn't walk) were common at promotion ceremonies. His order, in part, reads:This is a leadership issue. This is a warfighting issue. Marines do not go into harm’s way, make the sacrifices they always have, or give up their precious lives because they have been hazed or initiated into some self-defined, "elite" sub-culture. They perform these heroic acts of selflessness because they are United States Marines and because they refuse to let their fellow Marines down.Marines are also our most precious asset. We will protect them through fair, scrupulous, and unbiased treatment as individuals — caring for them, teaching them, leading them. It is the obligation of each member of the chain of command, from top to bottom, to ensure that this sense of fairness is constant and genuine. Every Marine will treat every other Marine with dignity and respect.This was written 16 years ago, and the Marine Corps still struggles with occasional hazing incidents; there are still echoes from older Marines about how the Corps has gotten "soft," how it "babies" young Marines by not allowing NCOs the freedom to abuse and debase their brothers and sisters in arms. People who went through the hazing rituals prop them up as traditions worth keeping for the sole reason that they're tradition.
I deployed to Iraq with a Marine company that was confident and capable in its abilities, and we were fortunate to return home with no serious casualties. We attained that confidence and ésprit de corps thanks to strong leadership and months of challenging training that prepared us for our task. The brotherhood wasn't a product of hazing; it was a product of shared hardship. If NFL teams need to haze rookies at the end of training camp to make them a part of the team, they're missing out on the point of training camp.
However, some people still insist on clinging to the idea that verbal brutality will make us tougher.
They still cling to the idea that all you need to do about bullies is just beat them up. Hollywood Fantasy!
Advice columnist Jon Alanis brings up the story of NFL legend Larry Allen confronting bullies while growing up in Compton.
Jon Alanis thinks that will work for everyone.
I told him like it is in an e-mail I sent on 8/5/2013
In Hollywood movies, someone picks on you, you confront the bully, you win, and we all live happily ever after!In real life however, you confront the bully, him and his boys outnumber you and they win, with you licking the wounds. Those who refuse to lick their wounds end up becoming gangs and they will continue to fight their enemies until they're all dead.This is especially true in Compton where your hero Larry Allen grew up. He might have had an easier time since he was big enough to become an NFL lineman. But other kids there aren't so lucky. They're so afraid of being called "snitches" (ebonics for "tattler") that too many of them ended joining the Bloods or Crips to solve their problems.The Salvadoran boys in LA didn't want to be called "tattlers" when they were picked on by the mostly Mexican 18th Street Gangs. So, did they confront the bullies and lived happily ever after? They did confront the bullies, but nobody lived happily ever after, because all this situation did was start a deadly ongoing rivalry between the MS-13 (the Salvadoran boys) versus the 18th Street Gang!Ask any gang researcher and how many gangs got started, they'll tell you similar stories about youths didn't want to be called "tattlers" after being picked on, and they took YOUR advice in confronting the bullies on their own! All it did was create new gang rivalries, with the former bullied boys becoming the new bullies and lived a life where they're either dead or in jail by the age of 25!It isnt' being a "girlie man", "tattler", or "snitch" to report the bullies to the authorities. It's just common sense!Sincerely,person who lives in reality, not Hollywood
Jon Alanis replied with this
You are referring to criminals and gangs. not bullies, and there is a vast distinction between the categories…you are quite correct, criminals should be reported to law enforcement, moved away from, or dealt with via judicial means, or at the extreme, military means (the Nazi regime was a gangster regime, supported by the most brutal henchmen in history). Such resources should not be wasted on a normal schoolyard or “cyber-bully,” which is what the media is currently obsessed with.But Jon Alanis didn't totally address my point, so I responded with this
Thanks for reading my letter. If kids keep hearing "it's girlie men to tattle tell", well don't be surprised if they take that advice literally when confronted by gang members. Kids aren't always able to tell which bully has gang connections and which one doesn't.
The whole point, instead of ridiculing those who report bullying, it's better to just advise people on when to confront, and when to step away and report the bully.
I can also mention another case, where a boy in a rough environment was told by others to toughen up. That boy liked poetry and ballet, both of which were ridiculed by his peers as "feminine" and "sissy". Apparently that kid got tired of all the BS and decided that he was better being in a gang, getting into fights and selling drugs. He did use his artistic talents again, this time focusing on gangsta rap.
Well, he did get fame, but he also got into more trouble. More fights, more arrests. Then one night, while cruising Las Vegas, he got into yet another fight that one of his friends started.
Few hours later, gunshots. The same man who was once ridiculed for liking poetry and ballet when he was a kid, the same man who wanted to fit into the lifestyle of being a tough guy, was killed in a drive-by shooting at the age of 25!
Every rap historian will know I am talking about Tupac Shakur.
Just imagine how Shakur's life would've been if he grew up in a more supportive environment. He would still have his rapping, acting and poetic talents. He would still be known for his great sense of humor. But he would've been less likely to engage in self-destructive behavior. He would've been more likely to avoid trouble and step away when provoked.
This should be a warning to anyone who demands our boys to conform to "tough guy" stereotypes. This should be a warning to anyone who thinks that a verbally and physically abusive environment is a great way to raise our boys.
You can also learn more about the damage done to boys when they grow up with "be a man", "man up" and "dont be a sissy" at http://www.upworthy.com/theres-something-absolutely-wrong-with-what-we-do-to-boys-before-they-grow-into-men
Enough of my thoughts (for now). I 'll just leave the rest of this post on some great commentary I found online about the Incognito/Martin situation.
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Leonard Pitts on this supposedly "honorary black" status given to Richie Icognito
http://www.miamiherald.com/2013/11/10/3744234/football-team-doesnt-need-bullies.html
Finally, there is this gem: “Incognito considered black in Dolphins locker room.” That’s the headline of a blog post by The Herald’s Armando Salguero. “Richie is honorary,” a former Dolphin told Salguero. “I don’t expect you to understand because you’re not black. But being a black guy, being a brother is more than just about skin color. It’s about how you carry yourself. How you play. Where you come from. What you’ve experienced. A lot of things.”
So the quiet younger guy is not fully black, but the loudmouth with a history of disciplinary problems is? Lord, have mercy. That’s precisely the kind of self-hating, self-limiting garbage one gets sick of hearing from African-American men, a statement of such numbing stupidity this guy’s lips should sue his brain for making it say the words.
Jason Whitlock saying similar things
http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/9941696/jonathan-martin-walked-twisted-world-led-incognito
Mass incarceration has turned segments of Black America so upside down that a tatted-up, N-word-tossing white goon is more respected and accepted than a soft-spoken, highly intelligent black Stanford graduate.
According to a story in the Miami Herald, black Dolphins players granted Richie Incognito "honorary" status as a black man while feeling little connection to Jonathan Martin.and more
Welcome to Incarceration Nation, where the mindset of the Miami Dolphins' locker room mirrors the mentality of a maximum-security prison yard and where a wide swath of America believes the nonviolent intellectual needs to adopt the tactics of the barbarian.
"Richie is honorary," a black former Dolphins player told Miami Herald reporter Armando Salguero. "I don't expect you to understand because you're not black. But being a black guy, being a brother is more than just about skin color. It's about how you carry yourself. How you play. Where you come from. What you've experienced. A lot of things."
I'm black. And I totally understand the genesis of this particular brand of stupidity and self-hatred. Mass Incarceration, its bastard child, Hurricane Illegitimacy, and their marketing firm, commercial hip-hop music, have created a culture that perpetrates the idea that authentic blackness is criminal, savage, uneducated and irresponsible. The tenets of white supremacy and bigotry have been injected into popular youth culture. The blackest things a black man can do are loudly spew the N-word publicly and react violently to the slightest sign of disrespect or disagreement.
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Former college women's basketball player and current ESPN columnist Kate Fagan
"So, What Defines a 'real man' in Sports?"
http://espn.go.com/espnw/news-commentary/article/9937514/espnw-jonathan-martin-richie-incognito-incident-raises-questions-means-real-man-sports
The implication is clear: If you're bullied and you walk away, you're weak. And how can a 300-pound NFL lineman be weak? The thinking seems to be that Martin should have somehow retaliated against Incognito, threatening violence with violence, because that's how real men handle these things. Real men escalate the situation and don't ask for help. Real men don't walk away.
In recent years, society has taken important steps (see here and here) to confront the epidemic of bullying in our schools, and the teen suicides that occur when it goes unchecked. And yet when bullying happens in sports, we engage in a dangerous game of semantics. We call it hazing, and talk about "the code" that requires athletes to handle things internally, to police themselves within the vaunted space of the locker room. We often call it by any other name than what it is -- institutionalized bullying.
How can we possibly expect to eradicate it in our schools if we insist on treating it differently at the highest level of sports? The old lessons of manhood spill downward much faster than new ones sprout up.
By many accounts, the extremity of the situation between Incognito and Martin is an anomaly in NFL locker rooms, with current and former players around the league painting Incognito as an outlier, an enforcer gone rogue. But the culture that allegedly allowed the harassment to happen (one report suggests that Dolphins coaches told Incognito to "toughen up" Martin) is the larger issue. It's a culture stained by the persistent belief that a man's worth is defined in large part by how he dominates other men (and, too often, women).
What does it mean to be a real man? Well, for starters, it means that more men in sports -- players, coaches, executives, TV personalities -- need to step forward and say, "Let's have a real conversation about this."
Until that happens, too few people will see and appreciate the real men in our midst, the ones who refuse to perpetuate this toxic brand of masculinity.
Men like Jonathan Martin.
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More great commentary online.
Eric Adelson's on "bullying has nothing to do with size"
http://sports.yahoo.com/news/nfl--dolphins--toxic-case-with-richie-incognito-and-jonathan-martin-shows-nfl-players-aren-t-immune-from-bullying-issue-232324913.html?soc_src=mediacontentstory
But thick skin has nothing to do with size or strength. A strong person can be just as vulnerable to verbal torture as a waif. Perhaps more so. And the person who is doing the tormenting doesn't get to decide what crosses the line. Nor does the coach or the general manager. If Martin was offended or hurt by what Incognito did, then Incognito crossed the line – just like the third-grader crossed the line by calling Incognito a "whale."
This is what's most maddening about some of the reaction to the Dolphins' situation. People outside the locker room are deciding the standard of bullying. That standard is raised because these are football players, and that should not be the case. Anyone can be bullied, because anyone can have soft spots that nobody else can see. The argument that "most people wouldn't be offended" is callous and ignorant, and it only makes bullying worse when you are the one hurt. It also makes football players less likely to reach for help in a time of need. They are supposed to be tough, right?Yes, another football player might have shrugged off teasing and vile comments. Another might have laughed or given it right back. Another football player might have just decked the offender. That doesn't mean, in the Dolphins' case, that Martin's decision to leave the team was weak. It might have actually been strong. It might have been the moment when Martin got sick of it all and decided to "man up." This could have been the instant when Martin's self-respect trumped his fear of a veteran or a boss. In that sense, Martin might have "manned up" just like Incognito did when he was younger. In fact, it's possible Martin's reaction was far more manly than it would have been had he clocked Incognito.Perhaps this could have all been avoided if NFL teams (and the league) did more to support consultation with on-site therapists. Incognito was on the Indianapolis Colts' do-not-draft list because of his character, and a recent profile of him showed how many demons he's had throughout his life. So what was done for him?
