excessive forgiveness can damage you (and others)
http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2012/06/excessive-forgiveness-can-damage-you.htmlEarlier this month, I had a blog post titled "clarification on forgiveness", which mentions how religion's demand for forgiveness causes psychological damage to abuse victims, and benefit sex offenders
"Clarification on forgiveness"
http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2018/02/clarification-on-forgiveness.html
Also, earlier this month, I had finally started a series on the #metoo movement
Part1 : comments on #metoo (Al Franken and Dan Inouye edition)
http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2018/02/comments-on-metoo-al-franken-and-dan.html
Since I started my a #metoo series, I wanted to go back to the issue about excessive forgiveness.
Let's start with Salma Hayek's description of her experience with film producer and sex offender Harvey Weinstein.
Salma Hayek, “Harvey Weinstein Is My Monster Too,” New York Times, December 12, 2017
https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/12/13/opinion/contributors/salma-hayek-harvey-weinstein.html
Part of why it took a while for Hayek to go public about her experience with Harvey Weinstein was because she was brainwashed from an early age to forgive even the worst abuses
In reality, I was trying to save myself the challenge of explaining several things to my loved ones: Why, when I had casually mentioned that I had been bullied like many others by Harvey, I had excluded a couple of details. And why, for so many years, we have been cordial to a man who hurt me so deeply. I had been proud of my capacity for forgiveness, but the mere fact that I was ashamed to describe the details of what I had forgiven made me wonder if that chapter of my life had really been resolved.When so many women came forward to describe what Harvey had done to them, I had to confront my cowardice and humbly accept that my story, as important as it was to me, was nothing but a drop in an ocean of sorrow and confusion. I felt that by now nobody would care about my pain — maybe this was an effect of the many times I was told, especially by Harvey, that I was nobody.
It was this brainwashing to forgive that had made Salma Hayek reluctant to go public about a monster who verbally, physically and sexually abused. It was this brainwashing to forgive that have allowed Harvey Weinstein to not be called out publicly, which made it easier to have more unsuspecting victims for him to attack!
Feminist writer Ijeoma Oluo had this to say to those who demand excessive forgiveness with her article "When Forgiveness Isn't a Virtue"
Ijeoma Oluo, “When Forgiveness Isn’t A Virtue,” The Establishment, December 16, 2015
https://theestablishment.co/when-forgiveness-isnt-a-virtue-d63bcce22c91
We often talk about healing from wrongs committed against us as being a part of the revenge/forgiveness binary. Your base nature wants revenge for the crimes against you. You obsess and rage and it causes you pain. The only way to free yourself from this is forgiveness; you must let go of the harm done to you and to wish those who harmed you well, therefore releasing the both of you from the prison of anger and pain. Some take it even further to say that you must push past forgiveness and even into reconciliation — making amends with the person who harmed you, so you and the person who harmed you can become better people.This may work for the person who stole your laptop — maybe even the person who stole your boyfriend — but is this really the only path to healing when you have been abused? When you have been assaulted? When someone you love was murdered? When your rights have been repeatedly violated? When your trust has been repeatedly or grievously broken?When you have been grievously wronged, the pain it causes is real, and your feelings of hurt, anger, and fear are valid. In Psychology Today, Deborah Schurman-Kauflin PhD. reminds us that “Grieving and healing is a slow, slow process that cannot be hurried or skipped.” Not only is this process slow, it’s unique to each person and situation. You may have times you wish for revenge, times you wish for reconciliation, times you are numb with depression, times you are paralyzed with fear. That is all valid. But trying to push through all of these to get to forgiveness short-circuits the very necessary healing process.
and more from that article
Schurman-Kauflin recalls the types of pressure she has seen with many of her patients:
“Family members tell them that if they don’t forgive, then they are going to Hell. In some cases, I’ve seen families turn their backs on victims of sexual abuse because the victims wouldn’t go along with the program and keep their mouths shut. They are told to forgive their attackers and let it go. If they cannot do so, then they are banished from the family unit.
I’ve also seen women who stand up to their abusive lovers only to be eventually cut off by their children because they won’t simply forgive and let bygones be bygones . . . Under such pressure, victims will give in and comply. They say they have forgiven when in their hearts they have not. With time, they see that not only haven’t they forgiven, but now, they are trapped by their words. After all, they have said they forgave and were moving on. They are accused of dredging up the past should they speak out, so back to isolation they go.”Instead of focusing on healing and comfort, many survivors find themselves obsessing with forgiveness, trying to will away their trauma in order to “move on.” When they can’t do this, not only are they judged by those closest to them, they judge themselves as weak and trapped. The shame of being unable to forgive compounds the pain of the original hurt.
This is the pain caused by the demand of excessive forgiveness!
Those who demand excessive forgiveness truly don't care about the harm caused by physical, sexual, verbal and psychological abuse!
In fact, I say that the demand for excessive forgiveness is abuse, and therefore evil and satanic
Notice that I did NOT say "forgiveness is always evil".
I say the demand for excessive forgiveness towards abusers is evil!
I easily forgive those who accidentally bump into me. I easily forgive those who accidentally cause inconveniences for me. I eventually forgive those who said the wrong thing in the "heat of the moment" who later realized it was the wrong thing to say!
But to demand that people forgive their rapists is the act of lowlife scum!
To demand that people forgive abusive spouses/parents/bosses/peers is the act of lowlife scum!
Because you know what?
Rapists LOVE IT when their victims are told to forgive them!
Abusive spouses/parents/bosses/peers LOVE IT when their victims are told to forgive them!
They LOVE it because it protects them from being held accountable and facing real consequences.
This makes abusers feel happier than anyone who just won a championship!
This makes abusers feel happier than anyone who just won a lottery!
This makes abusers feel happier than anyone who just won a full scholarship to a college of their dreams!
This makes abusers feel happier than anyone who just reunited with a long-lost friend
We shouldn't give abusers that kind of joy!
We should give abusers pain and social stigma!
And the people who demand excessive forgiveness are themselves people with something to hide.
For example, when former NFL player and actor Terry Crews went public about film producer Adam Venit grabbing his privates, he was told by music producer Russell Simmons to forgive Adam Venit
Russell Simmons asked Terry Crews to "give the agent a pass, ask that he be reinstated" and ended with his phony spiritual statement "with great love, all things are possible"
Russell Simmons loves to present himself as a vegan yogi who meditates and says profound things.
It turns out that Russell Simmons has multiple rape allegations!
It seems like Russell Simmons wanted Terry Crews to publicly forgive Adam Venit, because Russell Simmons was SCARED that otherwise, Terry Crews might inspire Russell Simmons victims to go public!
Well, it's public knowledge now! Russell Simmons brings unsuspecting women to his office and crib and forces himself on them!
His vegan yogi persona was just a shield to deter his victims from coming forward! That shield doesn't work anymore!
Russell Simmons just turns out to be the vegan yogi version of Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein
People like Russell Simmons, Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby are now put on notice that they can't turn on the TV, radio or the internet without worrying about more embarrassing information about them!
For too long, those scumbags benefited from their victims worrying about embarrassing information about them (the victims) going public.
The party is over! Just like Hitler when was about to lose the war, just like Japanese rulers when Hiroshima got nuked, just like the apartheid leaders when it was clear apartheid was about to end, people like Russell Simmons, Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby learned the hard way that their time is up!
Meanwhile, their victims finally have an opportunity for real healing, the type of healing that can NEVER come with excessive forgiveness!
