I have recently posted this on facebook
I have actually lost friends for pointing out how dangerous it is to demand forgiveness towards abusers! For mentioning this, I was falsely accused of believing that "forgiveness is evil", which is so far from what I'm actually saying!
There's a HUGE GIGANTIC DIFFERENCE between forgiving someone who bumped into you by accident versus forgiving a rapist.
There's a HUGE GIGANTIC DIFFERENCE between forgiving someone who gave you a stink-eye versus forgiving a violent bigoted bully!
It's not comparing apples to oranges, it's comparing apples to uranium!
Now, I'm not interested in restarting old beefs!
I am interested in having peace talks with those friends I have lost over that issue! With those peace talks, we can come to an understanding. In fact, I am even willing to ............. forgive them!
The only reason I am bringing this up is because I came across this article dealing with a gymnast who testified against a team doctor who sexually molested her!
Carol Kuruvilla, “First Woman To Accuse Nassar Says Church Can Be One Of ‘Worst Places’ To Go For Help,” Huffington Post, February 02, 2018,
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/rachael-denhollander-the-church-isnt-safe-for-sexual-abuse-victims_us_5a73264ce4b06fa61b4e1574?ncid=edlinkushpmg00000313.
article also available at
https://www.yahoo.com/news/first-woman-accuse-nassar-says-203226814.html
The article mentions how religious leaders demanding that their followers forgive their abusers cause even more harm to the abused
“Many churches hold poor interpretations of Scripture that imply the victim is somehow at fault for dressing or acting a certain way ‘immodestly,’ that speaking up about abuse is ‘gossip’ or ‘slander,’ and that forgiveness is moving on without demanding justice for the victims,” Easter told HuffPost. “These stances are a stark contrast from Jesus’ ministry to the marginalized.”
(skipped paragraphs)
Meanwhile, other aspects of evangelical Christian theology, such as the emphasis on forgiveness of sin, can enable covering up sexual abuse.
You see, evildoers will do anything to prevent themselves from being held accountable!
[note: evildoers refer to severely abusive bullies which can include but not limited to those who commit rape, hate crimes, genocide, terrorism and more. They can also be school or workplace bullies who constantly terrorize their peers and subordinates. The term "evildoers" do not refer to those who accidentally offend others.]
Evildoers LOVE IT when their victims are pressured to forgive, because that makes it less likely for the victims to find ways to hold them accountable!
This makes it less likely for victims to report evildoers to the authorities!
This makes it less likely for evildoers to face REAL consequences!
These evildoers TRULY DON'T CARE if others are saddened by their actions.
The only thing these evildoers understand are power, strength, fear and humiliation!
The only thing that will stop them is Real Painful Consequences which ran range from losing their jobs, social isolation, imprisonment, public humiliation and even death!
Evildoers laugh in the face of squeamishness towards giving them Real Painful Consequences!
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There is a place in this world for forgiveness!
I easily forgive those who accidentally caused inconveniences for me.
I have forgiven who made jokes that offended me because they didn't know those jokes would offend me!
I have forgiven elementary bullies that have learned to respect me at the end of our elementary years.
I have forgiven my own students who have given me headaches with their misbehavior.
I have forgiven people who in the heat of the moment, talked to me in a less than ideal tone of voice, because I now know they didn't mean it that way!
I have forgiven my parents for making less than ideal decisions that made life harder for me growing up!
I have forgiven people I have had heated disagreements with.
However, I have given forgiveness NOT because of pressure from others, but because of time passed and the understanding of context of the situations. I have given forgiveness because the other person showed he/she earned it!
However, demanding forgiveness from people who are still going through their grieving process only increase the pain! Not only does it increase the psychological pain, it super-magnifies the pain!
Demanding forgiveness super-magnifies the pain because the underlying message is "f*** your feelings"
Demanding forgiveness super-magnifies the pain because the underlying message is "your hurt isn't real"
Demanding forgiveness super-magnifies the pain because the underlying message is "let the other people do what he/she wants to you"
Demanding forgiveness super-magnifies the pain because the underlying message is "what that other person did isn't so bad"
Demanding forgiveness super-magnifies the pain because the underlying message is "holding others accountable for what they did to you is worse than what they did to you"
If that's the message you are sending, then you are helping evil!
It doesn't matter if you are trying to sound spiritual or loving when you saying, you are still helping evil when you demand forgiveness of severe evil!
If your tone of voice gives out that you are more outraged at the lack of forgiveness than you are at the troublemakers, then you are the problem!
It's fine if you want peace and the reduction of conflict! It's fine if you want to do some mediation (in Hawaii, we call it hooponopono), but DAMMIT let the victims complete their stages of the grieving process!
And dammit, at least have some sincere outrage towards the troublemakers and evildoers!
