http://www.salon.com/news/story/index.html?story=/news/2010/03/30/us_school_bullying
Insults and threats followed 15-year-old Phoebe Prince almost from her first day at South Hadley High School, targeting the Irish immigrant in the halls, library and in vicious cell phone text messages.
Phoebe, ostracized for having a brief relationship with a popular boy, reached her breaking point and hanged herself after one particularly hellish day in January -- a day that, according to officials, included being hounded with slurs and pelted with a beverage container as she walked home from school.
Now, nine teenagers face charges in what a prosecutor called "unrelenting" bullying, including two teen boys charged with statutory rape and a clique of girls charged with stalking, criminal harassment and violating Phoebe's civil rights.
This comes 11 years after the infamous Columbine case, in which 2 Colorado boys who were tired of being picked on, brought their guns and went on a murder rampage! They then killed themselves!
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So what to do, what to do?
I'm a school employee. School employees are supposed to intervene when these things occur! But sometimes (especially for substitutes like me), if we don't know them well enough, we aren't able to tell the difference between playful trash-talking between friends or trash-talking between enemies! So sometimes, it might get mistakenly treated as playful trash-talking between friends, and therefore, not treated seriously enough!
But most of the really bad stuff happens when teachers aren't looking! In the hallways, in recess, before school, after school!
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One of the worst things an adult can tell a child is "stop tattle-telling". Look, I know what it's like to be irritated by kids complaining about minor things. I work in the schools. But be careful with any "no tattle-telling" advice! Children will interpret "no tattle-telling" as "I don't care what bad stuff happens to you, too bad!"
And yet we act surprised when those same kids get into a fight, join a gang, shoot a school, or kill themselves? If the adults don't seem to care, then the kids will handle it themselves --- in a manner more suited to a prison environment than a professional environment!
And we act surprised when victims of spousal abuse and rape don't come forward to tell authorities about what happened?
And we act surprised when those who witness murders don't want to talk to authorities and testify in court?
This is what happens when people hear "no tattle-telling, no snitching" all their lives!
You might think I'm exaggarating!
I remember watching "60 Minutes" in which teenagers who witnessed murders and said they didn't say anything to the police. One boy said "a snitch is a tattle-tell!" With that attitude commonplace, many murders go unsolved!
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/04/19/60minutes/main2704565.shtml?tag=currentVideoInfo;segmentTitle
Then Anderson Cooper interviewed rapper Camron who survived a car robbery attempt, but refused to talk to the cops about what happened! Cooper asked Camron if a serial killer moved next door, would you tell the cops. Camron said "I'll just move".
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=2704196n&tag=mncol;lst;6
That got so much controversy, that even gangsta rap legend Ice-T criticized Camron. Ice-T said if you know someone who had a bomb about to board a plane, you shouldn't be like "I'm just not going on the plane", you should tell the authorities right away!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HHptNp5F7E
After that, Camron had to apologize to crime victims in general for sounding insensitive to those who reported crimes to the police!
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/04/19/60minutes/main2704565.shtml?tag=currentVideoInfo;segmentTitle
In the same 60 Minutes episode, it was mentioned that Busta Rhymes didn't talk to the police after he saw his bodyguard (Israel Ramirez) being shot & killed! Busta Rhymes refused to be interviewed for that story, but someone should ask him
"Israel Ramirez put his life on the line for you. Why not do the right thing and put your life on the line for Mr Ramirez and tell the authorities what you saw?"
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Other parents, when hearing their kids been bullied, tell their kids"go beat them up".
Yeah, sounds so heroic, a kid confronting his tormentor and knocking him out! It's the stuff of classic movies!
But real life is nothing like the movies! If your kid fights his tormentor, it most likely will NOT be a one-on-one fight! It's more like your kid vs. his bully and his friends and his brother and his cousins, etc.
If your kid's tormentor has a bigger and stronger support system, telling him/her to fight the bully will NOT be worth the trouble! It's especially more true if the bully is a member of a well-established street gang! Your kid fights them, your kid will not survive!
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Another problem is that some parents indirectly support their child's bullying!
You might think I'm exaggarating! You haven't met the 2 parents I had to deal with while working at a summer program at Palama Settlement a few years back.
One woman confronted me on the phone and in person for "picking on her nephew". Her nephew was known to physically and verbally abuse his peers and I informed her on the phone that other parents would be on my case if I didn't discipline her nephew. She didn't want to hear it and kept asking "why do you pick on him?"
The following week, after the kid was given a timeout for his temper tantrum, his aunt then confronted me personally and screamed "why do you always pick on him?" Knowing that arguing with adults in front of the kids isn't a good idea, I told her "we can talk about it in the office". She then screamed "no, we'll talk about it right here." I told her again, "we'll talk about it in the office", then she said "what, are you scared? you don't want to look stupid in front of everyone?" I just kept walking to the office, and I spoke with the supervisor about the issue.
The supervisor suggested to me when dealing with angry parents (or angry customers in general), apologize to them at first, then listen to what they have to say! This is to calm them down! They're so mad, that they're not interested in hearing your side of the story, they want you to listen to their concerns! Listen to their concerns, instead of being on the defensive!
That was in the 1st year I worked with kids, so obviously I learned more about how to deal with discipline since then. I would obviously learn to deal with situations more effectively since then!
But the point was that auntie showed no concern about her nephew's victims. She felt any discipline, no matter how mild, was "picking on him". She didn't asked "what happened? what did he do? what can I do to help?" It was just accussations of "picking on him".
The second parent in the program didn't yell accussations, but her approach was almost as annoying! Her response to her son's misbehavior was "he's such a good kid, you let him bother you!"
A good kid? I wish I saw his good side more often! And it's one thing that he annoys me, but what people forget is if a kid is annoying his/her teachers, chances are really high that he/she is annoying the peers EVEN MORE!
My experience tells me that students treat their less aggressive, less tougher, and less socially supported peers A LOT WORSE than they treat any school employee! At least teachers can write referrals!
Her suggestions to "ignore it" is UNREALISTIC, because ignoring it tells the bully "this guy is soft, I'll do it even more"
As I told that mother about her son was screaming in a younger boy's face. The younger boy told him to stop, he continued to scream in his face, the younger boy started to cry. The bully's mother's attitude was "don't worry, that's nothing"! No concern about how her son is emotionally traumatizing those weaker and less aggressive than him! No concern about how his current misbehavior, if not dealt with, could lead to worse misbehavior as he gets older!
I only talked to that dad's boy once, and he told me that the mother is too lenient and lets him get away with too much! However, the mother has custody of that boy!
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Dealing with such issues is never easy, and happy endings aren't guaranteed in real life!
Ignoring it doesn't deter bullies, but fighting them will usually lead to getting a beatdown from their friends.
One good book on how to deal with such issues is "Take The Bully By the Horns" by Sam Horn. Check out http://www.takethebullybythehorns.com/ for more info! It teaches you stuff most parents and schools don't always teach!
Also, don't hesitate to talk to school officials about anything that happens to your child. It's NOT "tattle-telling" or "snitching", it's PREVENTING future problems! School officials will only help if they know about it! They can't possibly know everything that happen on campus, so you gotta be the one to inform them!
As for my personal opinion, if a kid is saying something inappropriate, a warning usually works for low-level offenders. They're the ones who usually back off when they're caught!
As for higher-level offenders, I do agree with school officials who make them pick up rubbish and other hard labor, whether during in-school suspension or after-school! Kids needs to face tough consequences, otherwise, they'll think the rules are a joke! They need to face a level of discomfort to deter them!
Or as in the already mentioned case in Massachussetts, repeat offenders need to face criminal charges of harrassment and other violations! They need to be shown that their misbehavior is to be taken seriously, and that their "fun" is over!
Again, there's no easy answers! But the most important thing is to take it seriously!
