I've been trying to find someone I've been wanting to apologize to for years.
I wrote about what happened in a 2016 blog post titled "private locker room stalls"
https://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2016/05/private-locker-room-stalls.html
Even worse was back in middle school (in my case, Kawananakoa Middle School) where the PE teacher Mr Andrade required every student to shower, and only open shower stalls were available!
I just got made fun out of for having body hairs, but other students got it worse! I actually witnessed another student get peed on by another student! Yes, I actually saw that!
I also heard that in another PE class, a student was pressured to "jagg off" and rumors went out about that situation. Being that I had an unrelated conflict with that student, when I heard the rumors, I made fun of that student, and THAT is one of my biggest regrets in my life!
The regret is so bad, that I spent years trying to find him on social media just to apologize to him! No luck in my search!
Back in the '00s, I've been trying to find that person, first on Myspace, then later on Facebook. The person with that name didn't match the one I was looking for.
But I kept trying to find that person because I know I could never find any inner peace until that apology was made.
I mean, I could write about justice & respect on my blog and on social media all day & all night, but all that means 100% pure nothing if I didn't apologize to that person.
Well, a few weeks ago, I finally found that person, who goes by a different name on Facebook. I found that person because he commented on a photo by a mutual friend.
It was time to step up.
Even if he goes by a different name now.
Even if he might think my apology is insincere and he'll lash about how much he hates me and wants violence done to me.
Even if he doesn't even open the message at all.
It had to be done.
So this was what I wrote
Aloha (name redacted), I've been trying to find you for years because I have to apologize to you for being disrespectful back in middle school. How I treated you was totally uncalled for and it should never happened. I am sorry and I hope you will be able to heal from the trauma that I have caused!
In a few hours, that person responded by saying he had forgiven me a long time ago, that we were just crazy kids, and he appreciated my apology.
A huge burden was lifted!
========
Now, that person had ZERO obligation to forgive me. That he did was up to him.
Begging for forgiveness only makes things worse. Pressuring people to forgive only makes things worse.
People can react how they want to your apology.
The purpose of an apology isn't to beg for forgiveness.
The purpose of a sincere apology is to show remorse for the harm you have done, no excuses made.
Once you made that apology, that's it. You've done your part, how the other person reacts is up to that person.
==========
Last week, I did see this unsolicited email from an activist organization, and I'm glad I've opened it because it had valuable information about apologies
Oof. The other day my boys were arguing, and nothing I did seemed to help — so I yelled at them to cut it out.I know every parent yells at some point, but it never feels good! I wanted to make it right.
Some parents feel like admitting they’re wrong will make their kids lose respect or see them as weak, but that’s definitely not true! Apologizing to kids has loads of benefits — beyond improving your relationship, it teaches *them* to take responsibility for their actions, too. And that’s something we ALL want our kids to do!
Here are a couple of tips for offering your child a sincere apology:Keep the “buts” out of it. “But” automatically cancels out an apology, and nearly always introduces a criticism or excuse.
Keep the focus on you. Try to keep the focus on your own behavior to avoid complicating or escalating the matter. Stick to your genuine feelings of regret and apology, accept responsibility, and pledge to do better.
It’s OK to explain why something happened. Letting your kids know you had a bad day or slipped up shows them it’s OK to make mistakes, so long as you own it. But even more importantly, it humanizes you in their eyes.
Offer a fix if appropriate. Doing so shows them that it’s important to show a sincere effort to help the other person feel better, however small.
If you’re curious what all of this sounds like in real life or want to learn more, check out our helpful guide for apologizing to kids.
-----------
This also reminded me of back when I was a substitute teacher.
It was a 4th-grade class, and I was dealing with a student who kept making noise and talking out of turn. It was at the end of the day, I was explaining something to the class and the student still was interrupting me, and I lost it! I yelled with full-blown rage and the student cried and he yelled profanities at me.
I did inform the principal about the situation and he was understanding.
Fast forward a few years later, that student (who was now enrolled in a nearby middle school) came to the elementary campus, saw me, and said something like "remember when you yelled at me and you made me cry and I yelled back at you?"
Right then and there, I apologized to that student. I admitted I went too far that day.
And I appreciated his bravery in confronting me about the issue.
I know I wouldn't have had the guts to do that at that age.
And I'm sure it helped him to confront me rather than holding it in for decades like most of us do.
Because I held a lot in until I had my blog. Then I let out all my frustrations.
Back in 2012, I wrote a blog post "Exposed to the Light" where I let out all my frustrations that I've been holding in for years. Someone did apologize to me on Facebook months later, as I wrote in this blog post.
A so-called friend responded to that blog post by saying I should "let it go", "forget about it", etc. He didn't realize that saying such stuff INCREASES ANGER. You can learn more about why that's the case at this post and this post
What that so-called friend doesn't realize is BECAUSE of the 2012 post that I wrote, I have been able to forgive most of the people I blasted on that post.
What that so-called friend doesn't realize is if I didn't write that post, I would've still been angry at those people.
You don't reduce your anger by "letting it go" or pretending you forgot about it. You reduce your anger by letting out your frustration. That's where my blog comes in. I've let it all out, and I move forward AT MY OWN PACE!
I wrote about why that so-called friend was a hypocrite, and that person acted all traumatized when he called my other friend about it. So much for "let it go". I took down that blog post that mentioned him by his real name but I don't plan on apologizing to that hypocrite. I'll change that plan when that person apologizes to me with no excuses.
After all, he always uses his blogs to express his frustration towards that the latest thing I wrote about his situation. He has NEVER let go of his anger towards me, no matter how many phony denials he expressed. This is so hypocritical that it is IMPOSSIBLE to be more hypocritical than him. Those who want to be more hypocritical than him need to set more realistic goals.
Yes, a part of me is glad the people I apologized to didn't blog about me (as far as I know), but if they did, then I have no business to object to whatever FACTS they may expose.
After all, nothing stays secret in a social media world and we all have to answer for the harm we caused others.
