(note: this post is not about yesterday, but about the previous Sunday).
So much emotions in the last few weeks.
Last month marks 2 decades since graduating high school.
There was nostalgic feeling about the fun times, and of course, we had a 20th year reunion to look forward (which I wrote about it at
https://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2019/06/my-20th-year-reunion.html )
However, there were other feelings too!
The high school years were also years in which I have become distanced from my parents, mostly due to their decision to buy a house in the other side of the island a few months before high school started.
My grandmother stayed in the same community I grew up, and I used her address in order to attend the same high school as my friends. I would've preferred to stay in my grandma's place 24-7-365, but it wasn't to be
However, I had to spend time commuting between my parent's home in the other side of the island to my high school. The stress of the commute, plus people knowing that I wasn't a full-time resident of my grandmother's address (and therefore not eligible to remain in the high school of my peers) took a toll!
I wanted my parents to abandon their home on the other side of the island and return to live in my high school district. Little did I know, my parents signed a 30-year mortgage, a contract that locked them into one location for that long!
Add to that, most relatives defended my parent's decision. Cause a strain on family relations? That's an understatement. It caused me to have a severe high level of hatred towards most of my family! It inspired a lot of suicidal & homicidal thoughts in my mind!
Add to that, my father was an alcohol drinker and could be very cruel when drunk, and he was set in his ways.
I used to look up to him as a child, used to have a lot of loving memories with him during my childhood years, but his decision to move house during my adolescence, plus his alcoholic ways caused a major rift!
In my senior year, my mother finally listened to my concerns instead of just brushing it off as "just another teenage complaint". Communicating my grievances to my father? He just wasn't ready to listen. So all my communication was with my mother. It was only after I lost control of my emotions when communicating with my mother and punched a few pillows did my mother finally decided to ask my grandmother to stay in her home 24-7-365. This was when 4th quarter of my senior already started. That's 15 out of 16 quarters done! That's as if a fire already burned 15 floors and approached the final 16th floor!
So yeah, I finally moved to my grandmother's home (which I requested 1st quarter, but only got when 15/16 quarters already done). Yay, I got what I wanted ........... when it was pretty much too little too late.
Having 15/16 quarters burned through isn't something that is easy to get over! That's 15/16 quarters that are filled with missed opportunities due to commuting and the fear of people finding that I wasn't a full-time resident of the school district. If it was only 3 quarters that was burned, it wouldn't be so major. But it was 15 out of 16 quarters burned! I CAN'T GET THAT TIME BACK! You can't make up for 15 quarters within just one quarter!
These missed opportunities (school activities, more time to expand my social circle) caused a resentment in me that could never die!
College and career success could NEVER fill the emotional hole caused by having those 15 out of 16 quarters of high school burned!
I've been to multiple psychologists/therapists/etc. Couldn't stick to one due to changing health insurance or that the ones I used while in college were only available if I was attending college.
Back in 2014, my parents and I met with yet another psychologist. I was lucky in that I was a graduate student at UH-Manoa at the time, so I was eligible for free services. I was able to discuss a lot of grievances with my parents in front of a trained professional. It did wonders. My father was much less defensive then than he was when growing up. However, when his next Mexico trip came up, he said this therapy session was his last one. He might've been burned out by all those sessions.
Fast forward 5 years to 2019. I appreciated my parent's honesty in the 2014 sessions but there were still things I wanted to clear up! Plus, being that 2019 was the 2-decade anniversary since high school, all the anger about the missed opportunities from the 15/16 quarters burned came right back!
I spent months writing a letter of my grievances that I didn't have time to share in the 2014 sessions. I kept delaying sending ... wait until after Mother's Day, wait until after Father's Day, wait until after the 20th year reunion.........
..... actually, I mailed that letter to my parents the week leading up to the 20th-year Reunion.
Sending that letter was a major relief in that I let out all my emotions.
Now I had to wait for a response.
That came the Sunday (the day after the reunion).
The reunion came with mixed emotions. I was happy to see a lot of people, however, after the event, I had a conflict with a drunk who hasn't grown up since high school. Not just any conflict, but one in which I told him to "SHUT THE ----- UP" while holding a pepper spray in his direction!
(read part 3 of https://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2019/06/my-20th-year-reunion.html)
My dad actually scheduled breakfast for that Sunday, the day after the reunion. The thing was, when my father scheduled that breakfast, he called a few days earlier when he was on another island. When he called, he was unaware that I sent that letter to my parents. But now he was aware!
So on that Sunday, me & dad discussed a lot of things, mostly about our misunderstandings about each other. He said he didn't know some of the things I was going through and I admit I could've explained it better back then. He talked about his situation, I talked about mines. This was the first time I ever saw my father cried! He described how he tried to be a devoted father, but also he made some mistakes. He then told me that back when I was a teenager, he didn't understand my grievances, but now he understood. I broke down too, saying that I used to look up to him as a child, but that many things have gotten in the way over the years! We then hugged, as my father was ready to go home!
I still get emotional thinking about all this! It will take time to process it all!
