I'm really open with my thoughts on political & social issues, whether it's mega-divisive issues like gun control, abortion, drug policy, police abuse, cultural "appropriation" and the like!
But for my thoughts on people changing last names when they marry?
I hate that tradition, but many of my facebook friends did just that! I sure don't want to alienate at least a 1/3 of my friends on something so very personal!
Well, today, I got prompted by an article about a woman who reluctantly took her husband's last name, then went back to her maiden name.
"Why I’m Returning to My Maiden Name" by Em LaFave Olson
How utterly dispiriting that we have created a world and naming lineage where a married woman cannot carry on her family’s name and legacy. When a girl is born, we speak, feel and act as if it’s the end of the line. That she is not equal to a man in this way. Perhaps the most ironic part is that it is the woman that physically carries and births a new generation.
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When the time finally arrived to make the decision for my own name, there wasn’t an easy answer. I felt personally conflicted for a while, (as I came to learn, many women do). Ten years after our first conversation about marriage I had grown up a lot and shaped my own identity.
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For the two years after our wedding day, the examples piled up. The awkward transitioning of social handles and my public identity, not being able to recognize high school friends social profiles after they’d changed their names,
and this
After two years with my new last name, LaFave, I knew for sure it was time to turn back. I shared this with Rob, and he was understandably hurt.
But I asked him to see it from my perspective, would you ever change your name to my name? “No”, he said. “I wouldn’t”.
So together we came up with an option we hadn’t considered the first time around (inspired by our friends Ted & Fiona). A name that celebrated our individuality but also showed our shared commitment to this new family we had created by joining together in partnership. We’ll each keep our last name and take the other’s name as our middle name.
( I do know one high school classmate who took that route, with her AND her husband combining last names)
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Here is my facebook post sharing how I related to that article
I could relate to this in some way, since I got my mom's last name! At the time of my birth, my parent's weren't officially married! After I became an adult, my parent's got officially married and my mom took my dad's last name! My reaction was "WTF you changing your name now?" I was mad my mom didn't keep her last name, but she insisted that I respect her choice!
I dont mean to offend those of you who chose to change your last name when you got married! I hope it don't piss you off to the point you expell me from your fb friends list! I'm just expressing how an article related to my life, that's all!
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Yes, I wasn't happy when my mom changed her last name! That announcement took me by surprise after they came back from a Las Vegas vacation (yeah, I know, the cliches) and said "hey, we finally married" and "mom's has dad's last name now"
This traumatized BIG TIME because for all my childhood and adolesence, I thought it was cool that my mom kept her last name! While my mother wasn't a feminist activist (or any type of activist) I just thought, hey, we're a modernized family!
Little did I know that the only reason they didn't get officially get married (or changed last names) before I turned 18 was for .................single parent benefits!
Yeah, I know, benefits!
And after I told my mother my reactions to all this, she said that at the time, she didn't understood how all this would've influenced her children!
Little did she know that by waiting until I graduated from high school before she officially married my dad was going to influence my thoughts on marriage and last names!
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But yeah, I do list her now official name (with my dad's last name) on forms for "emergency contacts" as well as any letters I sent to her via mail!
It's her name, not mines. I just have to live with that fact!
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But as for me, I DO NOT want future wife to take my last name! I want her to keep her last name! I want her to keep her own identity!
Because as far as I'm concerned, taking a spouse's last name is saying "I'm his property". Well, I don't view adults as my property! Adults should keep their own identity, even if they get married!
By the way, most marriages don't last. The politically incorrect reality is that people change, relationships change, and people going their separate ways isn't some type of "liberal evil" but just reality!
So yeah, even if you find someone you love so much that you want to spend the rest of your life together ................
- don't be other people's property
- keep your own identity
- be your own person
- stay your own person
- keep your own name
If he/she loves you, then he/she will accept that!
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PS: Again, I dont mean to traumatize those who chose to take their husband's last name, Do you what you want! I'm just stating my reasons for my thought!
PS #2: After posting my facebook post, a classmate from a Southeast Asian country stated
" I got my own name, no affiliation with either my mom or dad. That's the culture for most back home :)"
