CNN.com
Robin Williams
He was known for playing silly characters as well as profound men of wisdom.
He was skilled in imitating various accents in a funny but not demeaning way.
He was just as skilled acting in front of a live audience as he was acting in front of a screen
In a profession where the stereotype is "the arrogant, over-demanding diva", Robin Williams was known for his generous spirit.
All of those things mentioned made it surprising when news came out about the circumstances of his death. He hung himself after bouts of depression.
It is also believed that Robin Williams was facing the early stages of Parkinson's Disease, which also caused the physical decline of Micheal J. Fox and Muhammad Ali.
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Now the major issue in the news is of depression and mental illness, and how they can affect the very people you least expect it.
It doesn't just affect people you always see brooding and complaining about life.
IT also affects the class clowns, the life of the party, the guy who always seem happy.
It also affects the person who seems so full of wisdom about life, the person who always gives you profound quotes about life.
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A few days after Robin Williams died, I saw the following video, from a person who suffers from depression.
http://www.upworthy.com/in-response-to-robin-williams-death-the-most-powerful-description-of-depression-ive-ever-heard
From the video transcript.
And it's more than just not being happy. It's like you can't bring yourself to be happy. You look at the things that you once really loved and enjoyed, and you just can't find enjoyment in them anymore. Sometimes you can't eat, sometimes you can't sleep, and sometimes you can't even move. And then your friends get mad at you because you don't go out as often or you don't want to respond to text messages. You just can't hold a conversation and suddenly, you're the problem, you're the downer, and you really want to. You really want to. You really want to go out to the bar. And you really want to go out and have fun, but your body just doesn't allow you to as if something inside you is just forcing you to be down like that's the normal thing to do, and everybody else just doesn't get it. And it's not that you ignore people because you don't like them. It's just that you don't want to go through the same conversation over and over again.
(skipped paragraphs)
You try to ask yourself what happened between now and then, but sometimes there is no explanation.
Hearing that (especially the parts the I highlighted in bold print) totally reminds me of one person I knew in high school. When it was time for pep rallies or other fun activities, he was the fun guy. We used to talk about music, girls, and the latest campus gossip. He was an alternative trend-setter, but he also enjoyed hip-hop music. He was on the skateboards back when Rollerblades was overshadowing skateboards. He could make people laugh and smile.
However, when things start to turn bad ................oh shizzzzzzzzz.................he could really feel down. He would feel very depressed and it wouldn't stop. When someone said something mean to him that day, that's it. He would internalize it for a long time. I still remember when he had a bad day and he wasn't able to put it on the side during another school event going on in the lawn during lunch recess. He was hurting, and I was like "enough already, just enjoy the event already".
I could see the change in that person, he started to feel alienated from the school. I tried to snap him out of it, reminding him that this is senior year, let's enjoy it!
But like the guy said in the video, once depression hits you, it is hard to enjoy the things you used to.
Fast-forward to a few years after high school. I was still new to block parties and clubs. That classmate started going to block parties, clubs and concerts before I started. So when I was finally ready to start going to those places..........................well..........................the guy was so hit with depression that when I went with him, he didn't seem to enjoy it like he used to.
We started to grow apart and didn't talk for a while. Then we met up again a few years later. I still saw some of that casual fun person in him. But again, depression entered the picture.
I sent emails to my friends about upcoming block parties, karaoke parties, New Year's parties and more. No response from that guy!
I know that guy read my blog before, and I hope he's not feeling that I'm humiliating him with this post.
But it does go to show that depression can hit the "life of the parties", the trendsetters, the casual guy...........and it can hit hard. It can make them a different person.
It is hard for me to accept those changes in that person. It is hard for me to accept that the guy is no longer interested in going to block parties or karaoke parties. It is hard for me to accept that maybe, he just can't himself outside to do those things anymore.
Also, I tried teaching him coping skills. I still remember the one New Year's night a decade ago, when he was upset that a bouncer didn't let him into a VIP room (he probably didn't know that a VIP room was for those who paid extra for the privileges) and a bartender talked to him in a non-friendly tone (it's a club, it's hard to talk without yelling there). I just told him, let's just go to the club nearby. Well, we were outside and he was hurting. It was almost midnight, so I said, let's just go inside that other club already. He didn't want to!
I told him "look, 2pac and Biggie both knew they weren't going to live long, both couldn't go out without 24-7 security, but they still went out and have a good time." I told him that I never allowed bullies to break my spirit. I also reminded him that some people on Times Square probably had friends who died in the 9/11 attacks but still willing to celebrate the New Year.
We went into the club. After we left, he was still down about what happened in the 1st nightclub. About a month later, he called me and talked about that New Year's night and told me that "I got the feeling you don't care about me." WTF?
OK, at that point, I couldn't do anything to help him.
But that guy obviously got depression! The situation totally reminds me about the video I mentioned earlier.
At this point, nothing I could say could help him. It's not just a case of feeling upset, it's a serious case of depression that goes far above and beyond what some guy said to him at the club. It goes far above and beyond what I tried to tell him. It goes far above and beyond what happened that night. It goes much deeper than that! It is a serious case of depression that apparently can't be cured by pep talks or good times.
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But you know what? I'm not immune to feelings of depression either.
Now, my personal problems has never stopped me from enjoying block parties and nightclubs. My personal problems has never stopped me from achieving academically.
I guess you could say that my personal problems never stopped me from getting stuff done.
However, there has been a long time in which I hated people in my family. I hated my parents the same way 2pac hated Biggie. Hate wasn't even a strong enough word to describe how I felt!
And nobody knew the pain behind my happy exterior! Nobody knew the pain behind my parent's happy image!
At age 14, my parents had to move out of Lanakila Housing due to income eligibility requirements. They were making too much to live in public housing complex for low-income people.
Without warning me, they bought a house in the other side of the island.
While my grandma was still living in Lanakila Housing, I could only stay there for a few days a week.
I hated that suburban house my parents bought. I hated that side of the island. (another east vs west rivalry).
I hated that my parents didn't find a place to rent within urban Honolulu.
I hated my relatives for congratulating my parents for buying that suburban house. I hated my relatives for trying to make me feel happy about that suburban house. I hated my brother (who was lucky to stay in the same neighborhood from birth to high school graduation) sided with my parents.
I hated that I had to cover-up the out-of-district address just to attend a high school where I at least knew somebody. You try living a life where it's hard to be totally honest!
I hated when my parents told me my complaints are just a "teenage phase", from "just a lack of life experience".
I hated my father whose only driving lesson with me ended with him yelling profanities. When Latrell Spreewell choked his coach, I wanted to do the same to my father.
I hated my mother for making excuses for my dad's behavior and his drunkenness.
Yeah, I bet my relatives reading this are in shock right now!
Yeah, I bet the people who know me from work & school reading this are in shock right now!
My parents put up a good front in family gatherings. They put up a good front in public places. You would never know from observing them that one time, my father was arrested for hitting my mom. (My father never hit me though...........so at least I'm lucky in one way).
I wrote songs expressing anger at my parents, that had more intensity than what Eminem wrote!
At one point in my senior year, I was talking to my mom about the toll covering up the out-of-district address was taking on me, that I wanted to leave their suburban house! I was so full of rage that I punched a bunch of pillows right in front of my mom! She's lucky there was no glass or ceramics in front of me, otherwise, they would've been broken too. But still, my mom was terrified! Dad was out of island! Mom was in full blown tears when she called my relatives.
I finally moved into my grandma's apartment full-time. Dad came back to the island and he wasn't happy I left his suburban home. Eff him! I left his cage and I'm not returning!
So yeah, I finally moved in with my grandma's home, finally moved back to my former community, finally be able to live within school district 24-7!
But the damage was done. The feelings of sadness, rage, depression, and anger ebbs and flows.
I went to a psychiatrist a few times with my parents.
The issue faded for a while. Then it come back to mind, eating me inside.
As I got older, I became better able to express how I feel, better able to express what went wrong!
So I started writing letters to my parents explaining why I was feeling sadness and rage.
Well, I wrote one last month, and my mom called me and said "if you make an appointment with a professional, we'll be there!"
Reservations were made about a week before Robin Williams died.
The appointment itself was yesterday. At the counseling office, I told my parents why I am so angry at them. My parents told their side of the story. The psychologist listened to all sides. My parents knew I was hurting. My mom felt she did so much for me but was hurt that I didn't seem to appreciate it!
At the end of the session, everyone felt relieved that they finally told their side of the story in a neutral site.
The psychologist said the word "Ho'oponopono" a Hawaiian word for a healing session.
We have another session next week. Much of my worst feelings were said. I still have a few questions. It's a long process to recovery.
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Most people who just read it could never guess all that was going on in my life. I do have a happy exterior, but the insides were hurting.
So it doesn't totally surprise me that the same was going on for Robin Williams. We would never know how much Robin Williams was hurting inside!
