Profiles in cowardice

Parents are supposed to teach their kids courage! That's the ideal.

But too many parents don't even bother to teach their kids to show courage. Too many parents don't even teach their kids how to stand up for themselves.

I'm guessing that many parents don't want to teach their kids to stand up to themselves, otherwise the kids might stand up to them!

But kids aren't going to be kids forever, and they need to learn how to stand up for themselves, especially under extreme duress!

But what's even worse, is when parents DISCOURAGE their kids from standing up for themselves.

This profile in cowardice is focused on a French politician named Anne Mansouret.

Mansouret admitted to discouraging her daughter (who was a victim of an attempted rape) from filing a police report! In other words, she taught her daughter to act like a coward! That's just wrong!


http://www.cnn.com/2011/CRIME/05/16/france.imf.2002.allegation/index.html
 
Anne Mansouret, a member of parliament for the Socialist Party, said she cautioned her daughter, Tristane Banon, not to file a police report at the time, saying it might adversely impact her career. At the time, Banon was an aspiring journalist.


(skipped paragraphs)

Mansouret said she arrived about an hour and a half later to find her daughter still locked in the car and looking "roughed up." The heel of one shoe was broken, Mansouret recalled to CNN.



But Mansouret told her daughter not to file a complaint out of concern she would become known as Strauss-Kahn's victim.

===

In other words, Mansouret encouraged her daughter to Act Like a Coward!

Oh, but now Mansouret is all apologetic now!

This is becuase the guy who attempted to rape her daughter (who happens to be the IMF chief who wants to be the next French president) has been caught attempting to rape another woman!

Mansouret, you got blood on your hands!
Because Mansouret discouraged her daughter from filing a police report on her attempted rapist ( Dominique Strauss-Kahn aka DSK ) was free to go around sexually assaulting more women.

In other words, DSK was free to force unwanted pregnancies and spread whatever STDs he might have on any unsuspecting woman he could launch a surprise attack on behind close doors!

And because DSK went unpunished, he thought he could get away with attempting to rape a hotel maid in New York!

But, here in the USA, we take rape more seriously than the French!  So DSK got busted and he's on the notorious Rikers Island prison!  DSK's fun gotta end sometime!

The maid who filed a police report against DSK should get a Profile in Courage award!

Mansouret, in her discouraging rape victims to take a risk and filing police reports against rapist deserve a Profile in Cowardice award!


=============
PS: While all of  us have a coward within us, I truly despise those who encourage cowardice in others!

It's understandable when crime victims are reluctant to file a police report. Especially when the attacker is a celebrity or a politician, and especially when this can come with unwanted publicity. But there's no excuse for the victim's mother to be encouraging cowardice. A true mother should saying  "I hope you file a police report against your attacker, I am with you in spirit, so don't be afraid!"


However, Ms Mansouret did the exact opposite, encouraged her daughter be a coward in the face of adversity, especially in something as important as making sure her daughter's rapist get brought to justice!

It's serious enough to involve CPS if you ask me!

Bush in the classroom

When the 9/11 attacks occurred, President George W. Bush was in a classroom reading a children's book. His critics went bezerk over the fact that he didn't leave the room right away after he was informed of the attacks. Now that the kids in that classroom are now a decade older, many of them feel the critics were the ones over-reacting!


(From : The Students with Bush on 9/11: The Interrupted Reading)http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20110504/us_time/08599206932700
 

Seven-year-olds can't understand what Islamic terrorism is all about. But they know when an adult's face is telling them something is wrong - and none of the students sitting in Sandra Kay Daniels' class at Emma E. Booker Elementary School that morning can forget the devastating change in Bush's expression when White House chief of staff Andrew Card whispered the terrible news of the al-Qaeda attack. Lazaro Dubrocq's heart started racing because he assumed they were all in trouble - with no less than the Commander in Chief - but he wasn't sure why. "In a heartbeat, he leaned back and he looked flabbergasted, shocked, horrified," recalls Dubrocq, now 17. "I was baffled. I mean, did we read something wrong? Was he mad or disappointed in us?"


Similar fears started running through Mariah Williams' head. "I don't remember the story we were reading - was it about pigs?" says Williams, 16. "But I'll always remember watching his face turn red. He got really serious all of a sudden. But I was clueless. I was just 7. I'm just glad he didn't get up and leave, because then I would have been more scared and confused." Chantal Guerrero, 16, agrees. Even today, she's grateful that Bush regained his composure and stayed with the students until The Pet Goat was finished. "I think the President was trying to keep us from finding out," says Guerrero, "so we all wouldn't freak out."

(skipped paragraphs)

One thing the students would like to tell Bush's critics - like liberal filmmaker Michael Moore, whose 2004 documentary Fahrenheit 911 disparaged Bush for lingering almost 10 minutes with the students after getting word that two planes had crashed into the World Trade Center - is that they think the President did the right thing. "I think he was trying to keep everybody calm, starting with us," says Guerrero. Dubrocq agrees: "I think he was trying to protect us." Booker Principal Gwendolyn Tose-Rigell, who died in 2007, later insisted, "I don't think anyone could have handled it better. What would it have served if [Bush] had jumped out of his chair and ran out of the room?"

---
 
My response:
 
That was the point of Bush not leaving right away, he didn't want the kids to panic! If Bush did leave, the same exact critics would've accussed him of causing the kids to panic!

Most of those critics probably have ZERO experience leading a classroom full of young children! 

You got to remember, teaching little children is MEGA-DIFFERENT than teaching college students!

You can't expect little kids to have the same level of emotional reaction to a crisis that an adult would!  

Not only that, these kids at school are in a large group of kids, a situation that  MAGNIFIES any negative emotional reaction a kid might have!  This is common sense to anyone who worked with a large group of kids!  

Those critics are professional haters!  That's all they are!

While I don't agree with all of Bush's action as president, I still think Bush handled that situation the best he could, and his critics over-reacted.
 

My debate with a facebook-hating uncle

I was talking to my uncle who refuses to be on facebook, and he was all negative about it saying nonsense about hacking, scam artists, fake friends, and his non-interest in meeting people from the old days! Then I told him that because of facebook, I interacted with some individuals more now then I did when I was in school with them.

Then my pre-historic uncle shut up, LOL!


 I mean I don't want to be rude, but seriously, I think people need to get over their fear of facebook by now! And remind those left behind, that it doesn't cost anything, you don't even need your computer, you can just go to any public library and use the internet computers FOR FREE :)

The criticisms of Amy Chua continues (it's too important to ignore)

The following were originally intended to be part of the previous blog post,
http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2011/04/more-stuff-amy-chua-doesnt-want-you-to.html

 but since it was already very long, I just decided to put the following commentary on a separate blog post

1) But her daughter defended her


Chua's 18 year old daughter publicly defended her mom

http://www.nypost.com/p/entertainment/why_love_my_strict_chinese_mom_uUvfmLcA5eteY0u2KXt7hM

But remember, her daughter is 18. At age 18, even though you're legally an adult in most US states, you are most likely dependent on your parents to pay your college tuition, provide you residence and many other things. 


 Yeah, at age 18, you can leave home, but it takes a lot of guts to do so, especially since you most likely aren't going to leave home since you most likely can't land a job that allow to pay all your expenses on your own. So unless you already got offers for a multi-million dollar contract from the sports or entertainment business, an 18 year old version of yourself is still dependent on their parents.


And if you're dependent on your parents, are you likely to tell them how you really feel about them? Chances are high the answer is No!


But when your kids are adults who are well established in their career, they're less dependent on you! At that point, be mentally prepared to hear them tell you how they truly feel about you!


In my case, it was only recently I told my dad in a letter how I truly felt about some of his errors in raising me! (Read it about in part 3 of  "Why the US Latinos need their own version of Bill Cosby" at

http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2011_04_01_archive.html#2307811647255007440)

Yeah, I mention some concerns  in bits and pieces over the years. But in  this letter that I sent pulled no punches, it was uncensored and minced no words.

(I offered the idea of meeting with a psychiatrist on this issue, he has yet to take that offer. I did see him this past Easter -- I'm sure he read the letter, but I didn't push the issue when I met with him. We were civil to each other though)

 So yeah Amy Chua, your 18 year old daughter is still so dependent on you that she feels she has to publicly defend you! She's still scared of you!

But fear doesn't last forever! She might pull an Esmie Tseng, a Latrell Sprewell on you when she gets older and more ready to be defiant on you! She might write a true tell-all book on you to be showcased on various talk shows. Or she might pull an Eminem and make rap records using the same vicious insults on you that you did to her You ain't hear nothing from her yet! Not even close!


It's like a slogan I saw on myspace "I don't worry about revenge, because karma is a bigger b**** than I'll ever be". But I'll just say this ..... Karma is a bigger b***** than you are!



2) More greatest commentary hits on that nutcase Amy Chua


Some comments to the previously mentioned Grace Hwan Lynch editorial

http://letters.salon.com/mwt/feature/2011/01/14/asian_american_perspective_on_tiger_mom_open2011/view/?show=all

One other thing....


....What is the obsession with classical music instruments in many Asian-American communities? If you are going to train your child for success, how about something that has real relevance in today's society? It's like there is a sub-set of the population that still defines success by early 20th century standards - go to name brand schools, listen to opera, play the piano / violin, etc.... I fail to see how these things make you a smashing success. I know so many children of Asian-American immigrants who do all of these things successfully - and then they get to adulthood and have no idea what they really want to do and no particular training in anything useful.
—Helioscope

Before you start playing the race card on me for mentioning this comment, I do understand if many people feel that comment was too stereotypical on Asians. However, it did  have a GREAT point! Chua and and other parents of her culture have an excessive obssession of making their kids the next Yo-Yo Ma! That's like many North American parents who are so obssessed with making their kids the next Kobe Bryant or the next Tom Brady! While there's nothing wrong with having some music and sports to a kid's life, the reality is MOST OF THOSE KIDS will NOT MAKE IT TO STARDOM!  

If the kids grow up with parents who obssess about those things, and most of them will NOT make it to the big leagues, then they will NOT have any marketable skills for employment. They will spend their early adulthood lost and disillusioned! This is why kids need a balance. Yes, they might practice a music style or a sport, but they also need to spend time developing other skills as well!



And talking about parents and sports, read this one

Instead of Tiger Mom, Americans have Sports Dad


Our home-grown equivalent of the Tiger Mom is the Sports Dad, who's living out his failed dreams of sports stardom vicariously through his sons. He values athletic achievement over everything else in life, just like Tiger Mom values academic and musical achievement over everything else in life. He also can be just as destructive to his kids.


I knew several Sports Boys in middle and high school and run into them occasionally on my kids' sports teams. Sure, they have athletic success -- although most of them peaked in high school and never made an impact in college sports, let alone the pros. But these guys tend to be emotionally messed up and have bad relationships with their dads. Their sisters resent their dads for being hyper-focused on their golden brothers. Their un-athletic brothers have it worst, because Sports Dad tries to bully them into becoming star athletes, then gives up on them as failures when they're not.


Sports Dad and Tiger Mom embody the belief that if some is good, more is better, and extreme is best of all. The middle ground where you teach your kids to be disciplined and focused without bullying them or forcing them to become something they're not does not seem to enter into their thinking.
—Nancy Ott

---

AMEN to that comment! My  advise to parents whose kids who don't like sports, but you're still concerned about your kids fitness  --- Get them a bike :)  It's a fun way to get around, burns calories, and there's no pressure from coaches or teammates who are sore losers! Just don't pressure them into being Lance Armstrong!


-----

"Tough love"?


I am strongly against the uncompromising, insensitive parenting style that Amy Chua has proudly practised during her daughter's formative years, and which is euphemistically called "tough love". There is nothing loving about calling your child "garbage" and rejecting your child's handmade birthday card as "not good enough".


Amy Chua sounds like the neurotic, anxious, insecure, hyper-driven product of "tough love", and the real reason she has driven her little girls so relentlessly is because deep-down, Amy Chua does not feel good enough. So she has needed to mold her daughters into perfect little "doers", all in a neurotic bid to assuage her own feelings of inadequacy, her own shame. A wise and loving mother does not need to write books loudly justifying her mothering style. Unfortunately for Chua's daughters, unless their mother can be courageous enough to look beneath her self-righteous bravado and puffery, and connect with her repressed pain and grief about her own loveless and bleak childhood, she will keep on victimizing her daughters much the same way she was victimized by her own parents, subjecting her daughters to the same cruelty to which she was subjected. The most dangerous parent is the one who idealizes his/her own childhood and believes that he or she is better off for having been beaten, berated and humiliated as a child.


Too late, Amy Chua may realize that it was she who was far from being a "good enough" mother. By that time, her daughters will have grown up and will likely be struggling with a host of emotional problems. They will either blindly pass on their mother's cruelty to their own children, or they will spend a lifetime trying to heal from their emotionally abusive childhoods.
—Perplexed Reader

----
My favorite comment was the one highlighted like this  which was The most dangerous parent is the one who idealizes his/her own childhood and believes that he or she is better off for having been beaten, berated and humiliated as a child.


People seriously need to think things through! I'm tired of hearing negative, rude, abusive jerks saying stuff like "I was raised this way, and I came out OK!" because it's OBVIOUS to everyone around them, that  THEY DIDN'T COME OUT OK!  They are rude, pathetic people who lack self-awareness! They learned to be rude because their family was rude! So they think that's the best way to be, so they continue their BS tradition of verbally and physically abusing their kids!

----

Friday, January 14, 2011 11:55 AM ET



jared2


Making your kid study violin and piano is not the same as appreciating music. If they appreciated music then we'd see more Chinese guitar players and drummers and horn players too.


But those instruments come with low social status. You have to really love music for itself in order to study those.


And I've been attending writing workshops in LA for the last decade. I can't recall seeing even one single Asian student in any of them.


The Asian population of LA is very high, and still not one Asian aspiring novelist in the biggest creative writing program in the region?


Same with the drama program. People complain about the lack of Asian actors, but everyone knows it's Mom, not racism, that is keeping them out of the competition.

—Silenced

Again, someone will pull out the race card! But look at the context --- Asian parents do more harm to their kids than "white racist society".  Asian-American parents like Amy Chua who want to bully their kids into only being doctors, lawyers, engineers and classical musicians do serious harm to kids who have other legit interests! This nonsense is what keeps many Asians from trying out for Hollywood!

Silenced pointed out  that LA got plenty Asians! In fact, Asian-Americans outnumber African-Americans in LA's general population! Yet Asians are outnumbered by African-Americans in the entertainment industry based in LA! It's not the fault of "white/Jewish super-powers" nor is the fault of "black entertainment moguls". It's the fault of Asian-American parents who are too controlling of their kids, not allowing their kids to take risks in pursuits of their interests!


Now another comment how Amy Chua is DANGEROUS to the image of Asian-Americans
-----------

Friday, January 14, 2011 11:33 AM ET


This Bitch Gives Chinese Mothers A Bad Name


Sorry, but Chua is about as representative of Chinese motherhood as Joan Crawford is of American motherhood.


She's just a narcissistic, type-A sociopath more concerned with shallow trophy achievements than with her children's real inner growth and development.


But this isn't a Chinese thing, or even an immigrant thing.


It's an obnoxious, status-obsessed bitch thing.
Spare us from bitches like this and their horrible spawn!


—Unimpeachable Bastard

AMEN TO THAT!
--------

From a kid who rebelled against a Chua-like parent

My mom tried this shit with me.


So I smashed the guitar, rather than be forced to practice (seemingly endlessly) at something I didn't like.


I intentionally got kicked out of private school, rather than be forced to go somewhere I didn't want to go.

I took the classes, and majors, I wanted to, rather than submit to some preordained path to "success".


And you know what? I'm happy and not uptight today. I make enough money to be comfortable, if by no means rich. And, best of all, I don't spend every waking moment caring about how other people are judging me. I couldn't care any less.


And if, in 100 years or so, China somehow overtakes the US, so fuckin' what? I'll have lived my life, happily, and will either be long gone or shortly on the way out (depending on future medical technology).

—Mike Hawke

Remember parents, your kids aren't going to be scared of you forever! You better be prepared for that! Bullying and micro-managing your kid's life can be dangerous in the long run when your kids stop being scared of you!

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Since Amy Chua's family tree zig-zagged from China into the Phillipines, I found this one from a Filipino American

Friday, January 14, 2011 06:47 PM ET


Thoughts from a Filipino-American


My heritage is somewhat different from what Amy Chua was brought up with, but there are similarities: the pressure to be perfect, the pressure to excel, the pressure to be like everyone else at an elevated level. I'm in therapy right now, and part of my issues stem from my Asian-American experiences.


I don't play the piano. I don't play the violin. I can't do math for shit. And guess what? I'm fine with that. What I'm not fine with is the sentiment that I SHOULD play the violin, that I SHOULD play the violin, that I SHOULD renounce any iota of individuality just so I can fit with the stereotype of what an Asian American (or just an Asian) should be. I don't like being compared and contrasted with kids from the People's Republic of China or the Philippines any more than I like being compared and contrasted with my brothers and sisters and other Asian Americans.


You know what happens when you push an Asian kid too far? William Hung and Seung-hui Cho. One is a pop culture JOKE and the other killed over 30 people before turning the gun on himself. I won't be surprised if Amy Chua's daughters end up on the Bad Girls Club or Snapped.


—AlexDSSF

------------


One last comment, from a teacher

Sunday, January 16, 2011 08:23 AM ET


Horrible parenting


I read Chua's piece in The Wall Street Journal and, even now, two days later, I'm horrified by what she's done to those two little girls.


First of all, she's not much of a law expert if she feels comfortable admitting some of the things she's done -- and admitting them in print. I'm not familiar with the law in CT, but refusing to let a child stop piano practice to eat or use the bathroom has got to be abuse in any state in this Union. By rights, she ought to fear a knock on her door by Child Protective Services at any moment. But, of course, she's a Yale professor, so that won't happen. This burns me up because, doubtless, if she mopped the halls of Yale, rather than taught in them, she would get that CPS visit.


Secondly, as an educator, Chua approach to child-rearing gives me cold chills down my spine. I don't teach children at present. But, I can't imagine how I would handle knowing that putting an A- or, heaven forbid, a B on a student's paper would get him or her screamed at for hours once home. On the one hand, there's academic integrity but, on the other, I also have to live with myself. Sometimes, getting screamed at is worse than getting hit. I can believe that -- at least subconsciously -- I'd be inclined to always give students like that high grades.


There's some merit in Chua's criticism that Americans are too focused on individuality. But, she, on the other side of the coin, is far too narrowly focused. Plowing ahead doggedly in order to learn something isn't the only way and she's not really doing right by her daughters by handing them only one arrow to put in their quiver of resources.


I offer a case in point. I'm an avid knitter and I have been for years. The first thing I tried to knit was a scarf. Even though I followed all the directions and the pattern was in the most basic knitting stitch possible, it came out a deformed mess. It looked like something that should be buried in holy ground and prayers said over it.


After I'd done six or eight inches of knitting, it was clear I couldn't rescue the thing and I put it aside.


Several months later, I re-started the scarf, from scratch, and it came out just fine. In fact, it was so nice, I made a gift of it to a friend.


Why the difference in the two experiences? I was using the same yarn, needles and pattern. Certainly, I was using the same hands and eyes.


The difference is that, after I took a break from the project and relaxed, the stitches came out evenly and didn't warp as they had before. Because I was a novice and was nervous, I was knitting too tightly and the resulting fabric bunched up.


Obviously, one doesn't always have the luxury of taking such a break in time during the academic school year and subjects like math and history are more important than a mere hobby. But, my point is that there's more than one way to learn something. Walking away from something and taking a breather isn't always laziness or giving up. Sometimes, it's the best strategy.


I don't know what the future will hold, but I've heard Chua say, in radio interviews, that she and her girls have a close relationship. Needless to say, I doubt this. Or, rather, I doubt that this will always be the case. They love her now because children are hardwired to love parents, even the most awful. They also love her because they're still young. I'd be interested to see what the family situation is like 15 years from now, when both girls will probably be well on their own.


It's also possible, I think, that Chua's book itself (or, specifically, the outrage from readers against it) may wind up opening the girls' eyes. When you live in a situation daily, it's hard to see it clearly. When someone from the outside shines a light on circumstances, though, you do see clearly.


Perhaps seeing their mother's behavior through the eyes of others will cause the girls to have a different perspective. If so, Chua will have hoist herself in her own petard.


Couldn't happen to a more deserving tiger.


—Nyneve

 
 
Amen to all that!  That concludes my latest criticisms of Amy Chua for now! Unless, I hear more stuff, or in case I'll email copies of these blog posts to Amy Chua later on, and see if she responds, LOL!

More stuff Amy Chua doesn't want you to know

In my previous 3 posts, I have criticized either Amy Chua, her fans or those who act like her

http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2011/03/stuff-amy-chua-doesnt-want-you-to-know.html (part 1)
http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2011/04/why-amy-chua-is-dangerous-to-asian.html (part 2)
http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2011/04/why-us-latinos-need-their-own-version.html (part 3)


Obviously, there is many more great criticisms of this pathetic excuse of a human being named Amy Chua!


1) Even the Chinese think Amy Chua is wrong

In my previous post, I really rip to shreds the idea "that Asians are so great, all because they have Amy Chua styled parenting".
http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2011_04_01_archive.html#3589396273780496004

I noted that things aren't always so great within the Asian communities, and a large portion of the problems have little to do with anti-Asian racism, but more to do with the negative attitudes from people like Amy Chua.


But don't just take my word for it! Many Asians would agree with me!

The following link has reactions to Amy Chua's editorial, from the Chinese. NOT Chinese-Americans, but Chinese living in China

http://blogs.wsj.com/chinarealtime/2011/01/15/tiger-mother-chua-gets-mixed-reviews-in-china/

It’s exactly because of this b.s. style of education that China still has a feudal-slave culture…That’s what distinguishes Chinese people, absolutely no creativity. – jameszog



This kind of mother must have a lot of self-loathing and insecurity, depending on her daughters to make herself feel better. This used to be common in China, but it’s slowly changing. The rules most parents set are not as unreasonable as those the mother in this essay has. – “strongly disagree”



This Chinese mother has abandoned the teachings of her ancestors: “Creating without owning, working without taking credit, leading without dominating, this called primal virtue.” –Tao Te Ching, Chapter 10. – koalatrader


Chinese parents adopt slave society attitudes and make their children into slaves. Parents are a child’s first teachers, and ideally act as teachers throughout their children’s lives, but you have to be careful not to be a negative influence on their development or a leech on them. Classic Chinese parents and classic Western parents both go to extremes. The best would be to find an East-West middle ground. – kpbsrs

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More evidence that many Chinese are turning against this Amy Chua styled parenting. They feel that Chua-style over-emphasis on standards and perfection is hurting their kid's creativity, social skills and problem-solving skills.


http://articles.latimes.com/2011/jan/13/world/la-fg-china-education-20110113

But even as some parents in the West wrung their hands, fretting over an education gap, Chinese commentators reacted to the results with a bout of soul-searching and even an undertone of embarrassment rarely seen in a country that generally delights in its victories on the international stage.


"I carry a strong feeling of bitterness," Chen Weihua, an editor at the state-run China Daily, wrote in a first-person editorial. "The making of superb test-takers comes at a high cost, often killing much of, if not all, the joy of childhood."


In a sense, this is the underbelly of a rising China: the fear that schools are churning out generations of unimaginative worker bees who do well on tests. The government has laid out an ambitious set of plans for education reform by 2020, but so far it's not clear how complete or wide-ranging the changes will be — or whether they will ease the immense pressure on teens in families hungry for a place in the upper or middle class.


"We have seen the advantages and the disadvantages of our education system, and our students' abilities are still weak," said Xiong Bingqi, an education expert at Shanghai's Jiao Tong University. "They do very well in those subjects the teacher assigns them. They have huge vocabularies and they do math well. However, the level of their creativity and imagination is low.


"In the long run, for us to become a strong country, we need talent and great creativity," Xiong said. "And right now, our educational system cannot accomplish this."

(skipped paragraphs)

"We are fully aware of the situation: Their creativity is lacking. They suffer very poor health, they are not strong and they get injured easily," vice principal Chen Ting said. "We're calling on all relevant parties to reduce the burden on our students."


For centuries, stretching back to the days when far-flung scholars trudged dutifully to the capital for the emperor's examinations, the standardized test has held a cherished place in Chinese society, both a tribute to discipline and a great leveling tool among disparate classes and regions.


Today, the examination faced at the end of high school is considered the great maker, and breaker, of careers, determining which university, if any, a student may attend.


There's no spare time for hanging out with friends or volunteer work; forget about clubs or sports. Weekends are spent sharpening academic weak spots in paid tutoring sessions.

---
As you can see from those paragraphs, even many Chinese are noticing the flaws of Amy Chua's style of parenting  -- More concerned about perfection, but over-looking the importance of creativity and thinking outside of the box! 


You can NOT  over-estimate the importance of THINKING OUTSIDE OF THE BOX! It is "thinking outside of the box" that truly made the United States of America an innovative economic power! Things like telephones, cell phones, internet, televisions, light bulbs, recorded music, traffic lights and so much more was invented in the United States BECAUSE OF the cultural importance of "thinking outside of the box"! This is is something the USA had an advantage over other nations! This isn't a minor issue here!


The cultural traditions of demanding perfection and blind obedience (both treasured by Amy Chua) might've gave China an image of the "land of the educated" but the reality is the over-emphasis on perfection and obedience, and the under-emphasis on creativity, innovation, and "thinking outside of the box" is what caused China to fall behind the last few centuries. This is what made China so economically weak that it caused them to lose cities to smaller countries with more advanced militaries like Britain, Portugal and Japan. This is what made many Chinese want to emigrate to other lands. This was what made China vulnerable to bloodthirsty dictators like Mao Zedong!


It is only recently, within my life-time, that many Chinese realize that innovation and creativity is more important than perfection and obedience! It is this realization that helped China catch up to the other Asian nations and the Western nations.


From the editorial "In China, Not all Practice Tough Love"
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059720804985228.html 

In "My Kid Is a Medium-Ranking Student," author Fang Gang stresses that children don't necessarily need the highest test scores to enjoy a happy and successful life. "Our society, to some extent, remains a society full of ranking-related prejudice," he writes. But among the students with the top test scores, he asks, "how many have kept independent thinking, creativity and their unique characteristics?"

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And now this one from an Asian-American named Grace Hwang Lynch
http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/01/14/asian_american_perspective_on_tiger_mom_open2011/index.html 

No, what disturbs me most is that Chua -- who was raised in America, amongst the professors at Berkeley, during the Marlo Thomas "Free to Be You and Me" years -- would so earnestly believe in this parenting style, and continue to cling to it for nearly the entirety of her daughters' childhoods. Even when her own immigrant parents beg her to stop. Consider this snippet:


"You can't do what Daddy and I did," my mother replied. "Things are different now. Lulu's not you — and she's not Sophia. She has a different personality, and you can't force her."

Throughout the entire book, Chua seems to reiterate the stubborn sentiment that "If it worked for me — and look how successful I turned out — it's good enough for my daughters." There is little ambivalence or introspection about her ways until very late in the story (and her daughters' childhoods). After her willful daughter Lulu, 13, throws a public fit during a family vacation to Russia, Chua finally backs down, letting her quit the violin. She purports to have a new hybrid philosophy that blends the best of both worlds, but in the closing pages, she is unyielding and back to her old ways: "I refuse to buckle to politically correct Western social norms that are obviously stupid," she writes.

Excuse me, Chua? You calling your critics "politically correct"? You know what's truly "political correctness run amok"? Too many people being too scared of the "race card" to point out that you are abusive scumbag who loves to pick on defenseless kids who can't fight back!

That too many editorialists don't say that, when they wouldn't restrain themselves from saying such comments about abusive parents of their own race, is truly a sign that poltical correctness has gone too far!


And this Chua mindset of" If it worked for me — and look how successful I turned out — it's good enough for my daughters" is truly stupid! It's like saying "I hit that kid with a chair, and he's now a scientist, now let's hit more kids with chairs". Because common sense will tell us that the kid becoming a scientist HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH getting hit with a chair!


Some kids won't listen unless you're stern with them! Other kids are very sensitive and will only respond well to a lighter tone of voice. While parents and teachers might not right away know which tone of voice works best with a certain child, really effective ones will figure it out and ADJUST ACCORDINGLY!


Kids are NOT robots! Their minds will differ from another kid! Effective parents and teachers are flexible! Effective parents and teachers will have REMORSE if they have gone too far!


Amy Chua has no remorse. Her mindset is "I do what I like!" Of course, Miss "I can can scream my kids into success" isn't an athlete! She can't play ball with the big girls of the WNBA! If she tried to act tough to them on the court, she would get SLAMMED DOWN!


Some commentary in reaction to Lynch's editorial

Friday, January 14, 2011 10:31 AM ET
Good analysis


I think you got it- this is really about her ego: looke at me, I'm a Yale law professor. I'm as successful as anyone can be, and if it worked for me, then it must be the best way to parent.
My wife is a Chinese immigrant professor, and although she stresses hard work, responsibility and education, she finds these traditional, draconian methods useless.
—Straelbora

2) It is NOT just either "be like Amy Chua or be mega-lenient"


People have made lame excuses for Amy Chua, saying stuff like "at least she's not letting her kids play video games all day!"



But that's like a theft telling the jury "at least I didn't kill anyone!". THAT WASN'T THE POINT OF THE TRIAL! The trial wasn't about anyone getting killed, it was about items getting stolen! Just because the thief didn't kill anyone, that doesn't erase the fact that the thief committed a different type of wrong.


This "at least she's not letting her kids play video games all day!" nonsense is totally missing our point! Sure, most of us don't want our kids playing video games all day! But it doesn't erase the fact that Chua is committting a different type of bad parenting, which is vicious insults (aka verbal terrorism) and over-reacting to her kids errors while they're learning new skills. Parents who do that without remorse are truly the scum of the earth!

--

You don't need to have Chua-like viciousness to raise productive kids


In defense of Laissez-Faire Parenting
http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2011/01/10/in-defense-of-laissez-faire-parenting/ 

My parents, professionals who both worked full-time, were very low pressure. There were few mandates to do homework, get As, or practice our instruments for my brother, sister and me. Unlike the Chua kids, we were in school plays, were allowed to watch TV until we “were blue in the face,” my mom jokes, and we attended plenty of sleepovers and playdates. Our kitchen was so stocked with junk food (and our TV had so many cable channels) that some of our friends preferred to hang out in our basement as we were considered a “fun house.”

So how did my parents’ laissez-faire parenting style turn out? My brother, sister and I all enjoyed school, got top grades and went to Harvard or Yale. Although I was never great at music, my brother and sister became top-notch musicians, and my sister even sings professionally. The three of us are doing just fine career-wise in financial services, journalism, education and music. And we are happy and close to our families, partners and friends.

There's plenty of successful people who come from such free-spirited circumstances! They had parents who gave them the freedom to explore, freedom to risk failure without stigma, freedom to find something to enjoy! They had parents who were role models of being a success without excess anxiety! They grow up not only to be success, but happy with their lives!

-----

More comments from the Grace Hwang Lynch editorial I mentioned earlier
http://letters.salon.com/mwt/feature/2011/01/14/asian_american_perspective_on_tiger_mom_open2011/view/?show=all

Here's a Chua fan who think he's so slick

Moreover
If you think excellence is irrelevant, then you must once of Cary Tennis' "I'm 28 and need 10 more years to find myself" people.
—Jet Black Rainbow

He is mocking a few people who write to Salon's advice columnist who are young adults who are unsure what to do in life! Mr "Jet Black Rainbow" thinks that an Amy Chua parent can prevent that?



But here's someone giving him a dose of reality

jetblackrainbow
Strange you might bring up Cary Tennis's letter-writers, because every one of those 28-year olds still trying to find themselves happens to mention their family or upbringing, it inevitably sounds amazingly similar to that of Ms. Chua's kids here.

I've never seen a Cary Tennis letter writer (or any other advice columnist letter-writer for that matter) say something like "I'm emotionally f*cked up and have suicidal thoughts.... and it's because my parents showered me with affection and allowed me the freedom to be who I wanted to be."
Nope.. almost every time it's "I was raised in a f*cked up household with a controlling, type "A" mother/father for whom I was never good enough. And now I'm an insecure wreck who cannot relate to the world and maintain healthy human relationships."
But keep telling yourself that it's the wishy-washy liberals who aren't scared shitless over showing their children affection that raise f*cked up adults, and not the insecure father (you, I'm guessing) who thinks that being a good parent means constantly berating your kids and never, ever, eeeeeeever showing them any warmth or having any respect for their feelings and emotions.
Yup... keeeeeeep telling yourself that. If you repeat it to yourself enough, maybe it will become true.
—Crafty Bernardo

Jet Black Rainbow responds to Crafty Bernardo with a pathetic comeback

Crafty Bernardo
How sad that you think so. Here they are nearly 30 and letting them get a quarter million in debt to pursue that MFA in Medieval Italian Poetry was 'pushing' them. Well if your parents were 6th generation Patrician bluebloods maybe that's true.
But the sad fact is that if you don't know that people have to be shoved a bit to get them in the right direction then you sir, are probably irredeemable. But hey, if you find me someone who issued from the womb already halfway through Med School, let me know.
People don't 'crack up' because they're pushed. They crack up because they're prone to cracking up. I can't even imagine the horrors in his career Golden Voice Ted Williams had to endure to turn him into a crackhead. It must have been brutal doing radio. Let's not push.
—Jet Black Rainbow

Crafty Bernardo gives him a dose of reality, addressing the stuff I underlined in the previous paragraph!



Friday, January 14, 2011 01:44 PM ET

Jet Black Rainbox....
What the hell are you talking about???? that first paragraph was utterly incoherent.
All I said was that, if you pay any attention to Cary Tennis's column, you should have by now noticed the undeniable link between those who "crack up" and those who have type-A, controlling parents.

Cracking up takes more than just one component... yes, some just have inherently weaker dispositions and are just more likely to crack up... but if that's the case, well then the ball-peen hammer of an narcissistic, shallow parent will certainly complete the job.
I didn't need to be "shoved" by my parents to conform to their ideal of what was "in the right direction" academically or professionally. That's the thing here... there are certain things that, of course, a parent should impart in their kids... respect, work ethic, positivity, fortitude... but you are much better served allowing a child to determine who their going to be and what their going to do with their life than to try and force them into what YOU think they should do with their life like a square peg in a round hole.


My parents, for example, were the liberal hippy touchy-feely lovey dovey types that, per your opinion (i.e. "the laws of nature"), produce pampered liberal arts societal leaches. My parents didn't 'shove' me 'in the right direction'. They treated me with love and respect, expected me to do chores and get decent (not perfect, decent) grades and stay out of trouble with the law. There were consequences, but there sure as hell was no 'shoving', thank God. And as a result, I ended up with a degree in Finance from one of the best business programs in the country. My parents certainly would not have chosen that for me if they were doing the 'shoving'... and if they had 'shoved' me to do as they thought I should, I probably would have chaffed under the forced path, rebelled, and wound up a helluva lot less "successful" than I am now.


I actually have first-hand knowledge of this, as my parents "shoved" the hell out of my sister, who's five years older than me, when she was young and went from straight "A"s to having a few "B"s and "C" and she went from a brilliant and good, but not perfect, student to a rebellious D student and, eventually, a life of following the Grateful Dead around the country and blaming my parents for everything that wasn't right in her life. LOL.



By the time I got to the same age and was bringing home mostly good grades, but with "B"s and "C"s here and there, my parents realized the error in their ways and they told me "it's your life, here's the potential consequences of C's and B's instead of all A's. Now we'll get out of your way and you can do what you want with this information, because in the end it's your life to live."
And here I am with a very successful career to show for it because I did what I wanted to do and took full responsibility for my life, with a big assist from my parents.
With people, especially teenagers, sometimes less is more. Impart wisdom, tell them of consequences, let them make their own decisions, tell them that they need to cope with the results of those decisions, because they made them, not Mom &; Dad. They'll be much better off for it than the human puppetteer approach espoused by you and "TigerBitchMom" here.
—Crafty Bernardo

Since "JetBlackRainbow" had no response to this, Crafty Bernardo won the debate! He mentioned REAL LIFE EXAMPLES of how his parents became more flexible, more accepting that (OMG......no) kids can learn from failure without their parents getting all vicious on them! 
===




Here's another person who gets it right!

A straw man


For God's sake. NONE of the criticism of Chua that I've seen has said you shouldn't push your child to do better. Of course he should re-copy the report in better handwriting. That's not just pushing, that's also useful information. Of course, pay more attention at the soccer game.

That's NOT what the criticism of Chua's methods is about. It's about how this kind of parenting gives the kids the idea that if you're not perfect you're a total abject worthless failure. One blogger described an A- grade as an "Asian American F." In Lynch's terms, it wouldn't be enough to pay attention during the soccer game; a kid would be a failure unless he scored 7 goals in every game he played in. And yes, I know that's unusual in soccer. That's the point. It can't be done but some parents expect it anyway.
Calling a child garbage for some act that Chua deems disrespectful (but does not describe) is horrible. I went through similar stuff from the grandmother who raised me and I did well despite it, not because of it (and after years of therapy and work). I certainly did not see my grandmother as anyone who would help me if I had a problem. In fact, I never ever told her any of my problems. When I was 18 I moved out and after that I never went near her except for short duty visits.
Chua's daughters are still in their teens. I'll be curious to read the follow-up and see how they are doing in 10 years.—AnnieCat

====

Friday, January 14, 2011 03:25 PM ET


"garbage" does not equal requesting a kid to neaten homework


Just read the WSJ article, but haven't read the "Tiger Mother" book. Calling abusive language and screaming at one's kids "tough love" is a bit of a stretch for me. I'm confused how not wanting your kids to drop out of Chinese School or wanting them to recopy their messy homework can be equated with another parent calling her child a cruel name like "garbage." Tough love is still love, so it can't be devoid of being respectful to another human being. Encouraging your child to work hard may or may not be considered "tough love" depending on your approach, but doing so through aggressive behavior and abusive language is not love. I don't see this as an east/west divide. How does one expect her/his child to be successful in the world if the example they set is that it's okay to treat others badly? Respecting elders doesn't give the elders a free pass to be abusive to their children. Why does it have to be a choice between total "child-centered" rearing and drill sergeant-style rearing? There are no other options?

—Jenkins Green

Notice I highlighted with these colors!   I'll repeat it again How does one expect her/his child to be successful in the world if the example they set is that it's okay to treat others badly?   

It is ZERO surprise when I find out that some of rudest kids I've ever met have verbally abusive parents! Why should that be a surprise? If all a kid notices that the adults in his/her life only talk in a rude tone of voice, then that's the only way that kid knows how to talk! Yet we're surprised when that kid is rude to everyone else?


Kids need role models who emphasize the importance of respect, even respecting those who are more vulnerable than you! Amy Chua is a CRAPPY ROLE MODEL ON THE  ISSUE! Her Ivy League credentials doesn't erase that fact!


 
3) Achievement is Fine, but it's not everything


Chua thinks all you need to do is push your child to have good grades, play a musical instrument with pefection, and all will be well.



In an example I wished I remembered to add in an earlier blog post is Esmie Tseng. Tseng was a girl from an Chinese immigrant family (like Chua's family) Tseng had good grades and took part in extra-curricular activities. Chua thinks a girl like that will grow up to be mentally stable. Well, Amy Chua better hope and pray her kids don't react like how Esmie Tseng reacted to her Chau-styled parents



http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4967340.stm

"It made me feel so childish, but I suppose that's really what all parents want," the 16-year-old honour student from Overland Park, Kansas, wrote.


"I've been trying... to make them smile, make them feel better, take Esmie off their list of worries and concerns."


Ten days later, she stabbed her mother to death with a knife in an incident that apparently took the mother and daughter through several rooms of their home.


The killing stunned the comfortable middle-class, Middle American community where the Tseng family lived.


Esmie was ranked among the best classical pianists of her age in the state. She got top marks in school. She competed in athletic meetings and was on the debating team.


She was - in the words of local father Jacob Horwitz - "a kid any parent would be proud of".

See, success (with all its rewards) is not everything! You can be successful and miserable at the same time! You might've achieved, but the people around you can screw it all up!


more from that article, which Chua ignores at her peril

Like many teenagers with diaries, she had written of her hatred for them, especially her mother.


"My God," Jacob Horwitz remembers thinking when he read her weblog, "it's a shame that another parent didn't see this yesterday. It's a cry for help."

---


More evidence that achievement and succes does NOT equal emotional stability


More comments from Grace Hwang Lynch's editorial on Amy Chua
http://letters.salon.com/mwt/feature/2011/01/14/asian_american_perspective_on_tiger_mom_open2011/view/?show=all

@jared2


Don't conflate success in the classroom with success in life. I just interviewed a nice chinese woman who appears to be extremely intelligent and diligent. She will, however, forever be a mid-level employee due to lack of creativity and confidence.


Not allowing children to be children has its price. If Frank Gehry's grandmother had taken away his blocks and made him play the piano, we wouldn't have the gorgeous Bilbao Guggenheim.
Just sayin'.
—tonydavisnelson

---

Another problem with this philosophy I see


I went to an elite school where everyone admitted was "the best" at their high school.


But when you put "the best" together and grade them on a curve, someone of the kids who were trained to get only As are going to get their first Cs and Bs.
Some kids get suicidal over that. They can't imagine how to explain to their parents that they've become C students in college after being A students in high school.
If you always teach your kids to be the best, they might have extreme emotional difficulties when they're at a school where everyone is the best and now the best are going to be graded on a curve with the other best.
Some parents have ended up losing their children like that.
You don't want to raise your kid so that he's going to interpret his first C as meaning the loss of your love and the end of his life.
—Silenced

And now, some wisdom from a teacher with experience dealing with high-achieving kids

Friday, January 14, 2011 03:51 PM ET


Advice from a teacher


For many immigrant parents, admission to an Ivy, Stanford, MIT or a few other highly selective universities/programs is the winning ticket. High achieving first generation parents need to realize that they are seeking admission to American universities with American values. Harvard can fill its class with superbly credentialed Asian students all of whom have 5s on at least eight AP exams and play the violin/piano beautifully, but it won't. This is not about quotas - if just paper credentials mattered, the class would be mostly female - but balance. I don't want to get into the whole legacy, happy lower quarter, athletes, affirmative action discussion, but the highly selective universities seek to fill their classes with the best of a cross section of talents.
My advice to parents would be to make sure their children are surrounded by other children whose families have habits of education, discipline and achievement. That way the kids will have an active social life and friends who share their frustrations because none of them are allowed to watch television or play video games. Parents need to let children make choices. Music instruction is important, but let the kid pick the instrument. Guitar lessons are okay. A child who has natural visual talent should be allowed to develop it, not told that drawing pictures is a waste of time.



And above all children need to know that their parents value and love them, that they are not primarily pieces in a game of one-upsmanship with other parents. In this country too many kids have overblown self esteem, but you haven't "won" as a parent if your kid self-destructs as an adult because he cannot fulfill your aspirations.
—CyclingFool

4) Let the kids have a Childhood



Amy Chua thinks that childhood should be all about stressing out over SATs and classical music concerts. She also thinks anyone who disagrees is a "loser" and a "politically correct parent".

But there's more to childhood than just worrying about getting into Harvard. Even the former president of Harvard, Larry Summers, agree with me.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704709304576124612242184274.html

It took economist Larry Summers [former head of Harvard], in a debate with Ms. Chua at the World Economic Forum in Davos, to point out that part of the point of childhood is childhood itself. Childhood takes up a quarter of one’s life, Mr. Summers observed, and it would be nice if children enjoyed it.



Bravo, Larry.

Children are not merely adults in training. They are also people with distinctive powers and joys. A happy childhood is measured not only by the standards of adult success, but also by the enjoyment of the gifts given to children alone.


First is the gift of moral innocence: Young children are liberated from the burdens of the knowledge of the full extent of human evil—a knowledge that casts a pall over adult life. Childhood innocence permits children to trust others fully. How wonderful to live (even briefly) with such confidence in human goodness. Childhood innocence teaches us what the world ought to be.


Second is the gift of openness to the future. We adults are hamstrung by our own plans and expectations. Children alone are free to welcome the most improbable new adventures.


Third, children are liberated from the grim economy of time. Children become so absorbed in fantasy play and projects that they lose all sense of time. For them, time is not scarce and thus cannot be wasted.


Finally, we parents are so focused on adult superiority that we forget that most of us produced our best art, asked our deepest philosophical questions, and most readily mastered new gadgets when we were mere children.


Tragically, there is a real conflict within childhood between preparation for adulthood and the enjoyment of the gifts of youth. Preparation for adulthood requires the adoption of adult prudence, discipline and planning that undermine the spontaneous adventure of childhood.


Parents are deeply conflicted about how to balance these two basic demands: raising good little ladies and gentlemen, while also permitting children to escape into the irresponsible joys of Neverland.

Think about it, most of our most cherished memories are childhood memories of fun times. It could running around in the grass, dancing and singing, or even just chilling out and relaxing near a stream. Most of us cherish such similar memories, even those of us without ideal parents or ideal childhoods. It was a time before over-stressing over grades, finances, relationships or careers!


Amy Chua thinks you're being a bad parent if you're not forcing your kids to be over-anxious over grades, finances, relationships or careers. But most of us will have at least 4 decades of adulthood to over-stress on such issues. Couldn't we allow the kids to have time to just enjoy life without dealing with such pressures? Couldn't we just (gasp, OMG .... noooooooooo!) let them have a childhood?



Another author, Bryan Caplan had a new book called "Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids"

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703806304576242661295724864.html


Caplan has a mix of stupid and great ideas. Caplan's stupid idea is to encourage the idea that "the average person should have more kids." I think people with Amy Chua shouldn't even be having kids, and should've just use birth control, stick to dry humping or just remain abstinent! People like Amy Chua should be a reminder that we should STOP DEMANDING OUR PEERS TO HAVE KIDS (OR MORE KIDS). Just because your peer is nice to you, that doesn't mean that person will make a good parent. There's too many parents who put up a good front in public, but are abusive jerks at home! It's people like Chua that is a good example that WE SHOULD NEVER NAG PEOPLE INTO HAVING KIDS THEY'RE NOT READY TO TAKE CARE OF!


But Caplan made a good point with this

The first step to happier parenting," he observes, "is to abandon 'recreation' enjoyed by neither parent nor child." Your daughter hates ballet class and you hate schlepping her there? Drop it. Planning to travel hundreds of miles for a family vacation that will make everyone miserable? Try a "staycation" instead. Get take-out food, he urges, and hire a housekeeper. But above all get a nanny—even if she doesn't speak fluent English or have a driver's license. Your life will be easier, and your kids won't be any worse off—they may even turn out better, since you'll be setting a better example by being less anxious.

-------


Chua thinks you can't enjoy something unless you're good at it, and once you're good at it, you'll enjoy. I already mentioned in a previous blog post how BS that is!


More evidence that I'm right, Chua's wrong

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703959104576082434187716252.html

I have a good friend who was raised by a Chinese-style mother, although her parents were actually German. Her mother pushed her to practice the violin for eight hours a day, and she rarely saw other people her age. Now she is my age, and she does not hate her mother or even resent her. She is grateful to her mother for instilling in her a drive and focus that she otherwise would have lacked. What she does hate is music, because it carries for her associations of loneliness and torture. She hasn't picked up the violin in a decade, and these days, she says, classical music leaves her cold. It's not an uncommon sentiment among prodigies: "I hate tennis," Andre Agassi says on the first page of his autobiography, "Open," "hate it with a dark and secret passion, and always have."

(more from that same article)

Because Ms. Chua really likes bullet points, I will offer some of my own:
* Success will not make you happy.


* Happiness is the great human quest.


* Children have to find happiness themselves.


* It is better to have a happy, moderately successful child than a miserable high-achiever.

Jeff Opdyke on his son's youth soccer life

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704843304576126703840029360.html?mod=rss_Money

He finally told me that while he enjoys the game, he isn't as passionate about it as I am. I had just assumed he was because...well, because I wanted to believe it.


The whole experience has been unsettling, and it has forced me to ask myself some difficult questions: Was he putting in all those hard hours just to please me? Did I ignore obvious signs that he wasn't having as much fun as I thought he was? And might he have loved the game, if only I hadn't pushed him to do it more and better?
I don't know all the answers, and I probably never will. But I am convinced of one thing: We parents so often want to believe that our kids share our passions that we're unable -- and often unwilling -- to accept the truth, even when it's in plain sight.


It's embarrassing now, but I've written frequently about my son and soccer. I've described his talent and passion for the game. And I've talked about the sacrifices the family was making so he could pursue his soccer-loving dreams: the endless travel, the out-of-state soccer camps, the time we all spent away from home to attend his practices (two nights a week) and games (as many as four in a weekend).


I was proud of his accomplishments. For several years he played at the highest level, on traveling teams that roamed our home state of Louisiana and the Southeast. He scored goals, and medals hang from a shelf in his bedroom from the various tournaments he and his teammates won from Louisiana to Florida.


Now, though, I see he was just living my dream, not his. All those sacrifices in truth reflected my desire to see him excel in a sport I adore rather than one that resonated with him.


As one of my longtime friends says, "You're so happy believing that your kid loves what you love that you get blinded. And if they're good, it's even harder to see. You just assume their talent means they love what they're doing."


My friend says that because he had loved baseball as a kid, he introduced it to his son at a very young age. His son, in turn, grew up to play the game very well. "I figured he loved it because he was so good at it," my friend says. "But he was actually good at it because I started playing with him so young. It had nothing to do with his own love for the game."


And then one day, at about 12, his son stopped playing [baseball]. "He told me he never really liked it, and he started playing soccer, which he loved. He was a star, even more than at baseball. And more important: He enjoyed it. I had never noticed how much he didn't feel that way about baseball."


I suffered from that same blindness. Looking back, I now recognize that my son never really expressed much emotion about soccer, other than frustration, which I wrote off as teenage moodiness because I didn't want to believe it was the sport.


It's easy for me to now see that his growing frustration was one of many signs I refused to acknowledge.


He celebrated tournament victories with teammates on the field, but off the field he never talked about the sport. He grumbled about the number of practices and games. He never wanted to go to my games, and wasn't interested in watching soccer on TV with me. He stopped kicking the ball with me in the yard, and when he got really frustrated at some soccer comment I'd make he'd say, "Dad, it's not like I'm growing up to be a soccer star, so stop."

And another great comment related to youth soccer.



http://letters.salon.com/mwt/feature/2011/01/14/asian_american_perspective_on_tiger_mom_open2011/view/?show=all

Yelling at a kid about a soccer game?
It's supposed to be fun. If he doesn't want to play, let him quit. It's a game.
Same thing with music. It's fun.
Hard work is overrated, unless you're having fun doing it.
—LeftWingPharisee

-----

OK, this blog post is pretty long, and I know not everyone has the patience to read long articles, so I'll continue my point in the next blog post!

Why the US Latinos need to be self-critical

In my previous blog post, I wrote about why Amy Chua's mentality is dangerous for the Asian-American community. I also went over some serious issues within the Asian-American community that is ignored by the "model minority" stereotype promoted by Chua and her defenders.
http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2011/04/why-amy-chua-is-dangerous-to-asian.html


Now, I'm sure whoever read that must be thinking "why is Pablo spending time criticizing problems within the Asian-American community. Why doesn't that part-Latino guy start focusing on all those problems within the US Latino community?"

That's what I'll do today!


Part 1 - Latinos need their own version of Bill Cosby

In fact, I already criticized certain segments of the US Latino community back in July 2008.


It was part of a blog post titled "The 2 political Jesses". While it started off with criticizing Jesse Helms and Jesse Jackson, I did later go off topic in Part 3 of that blog post on why the Latino community needs its own version of Bill Cosby. And no it's got nothing to do cute Jello commercials or funny family sitcoms.

That blog post here http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2008/07/2-political-jesses.html

But I'll just re-post the part where I mention why the Latino community needs its own version of Bill Cosby right below.
-------

The Obama speech on absent fathers remind me of Bill Cosby!


It was a few years ago that legendary African-American comedian Bill Cosby was speaking out against irresponsible parents. His speech-making tour was criticized as a "Blame the Poor Tour"!


As a person of Mexican-American ancestry, I say the Mexican-American also needs it's own version of Bill Cosby, and it also need it's own version of the so-called "Blame the Poor Tour"


Someone in the Latino community needs to speak up about the problems within the Latino community, including




1)the high school drop-out rate (highest of all racial groups in the US). Some blame the language barrier. Remember, many Asian immigrants also face the language barrier, but they don't drop-out at the same level of Latinos in the US! Even US born Latinos (who speak mostly English) drop out at high rates!


http://www.heartland.org/Article.cfm?artId=22692
http://www.centrohispano.org/_pdf/Latinos%20in%20highschool.pdf

2) the high level of Latino youth joining gangs. Too many of our people are wasting their potential in violent crime instead of studying and trying to successful in legit ventures! And it's mostly the ones born in the US who are involved in violent crime

3) the hate crimes committed by Latinos against African-Americans and other groups!

It is known that the Mexican Mafia has declared war against African-Americans!


It was only last year when Latino gang members in the Harbor Gateway community in Los Angeles were targeting anyone of African-American ancestry for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. They even shot an innocent 14-year-old girl. Maybe those murderers were too cowardly to fight the Bloods or Crips, so they targeted unarmed citizens




http://www.laprensa-sandiego.org/archieve/2007/march30-07/gangs.htm
http://www.infowars.com/articles/immigration/mexican_gangs_ethnic_cleansing_blacks_in_la.htm


If there's anyone who needs to be castrated, it's those racist killers associated with the Mexican Mafia!

(2011 note : I shall also mention that several Mexican gangs also have gang rivalries with Asian, Armenian and Polynesian gangs. The fact that many Mexican gangs bullied Asian immigrants is what led up to the rise of various Asian gangs in California, including but not limited to the Vietnamese, Cambodian and Laotian gangs.

This issue of Mexican thugs terrorizing and committing hate crimes against non-Mexicans is a serious issue that ought to be addressed by the Mexican-American community)

4) the high rate of alcoholism within the Latino community! Too many of us are involved in drunkenness, and the Latino community has the highest rate of drunk driving!
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2007-04-10-hispanic-dui_N.htm


According to the University of North Carolina's Highway Safety Research Center, 7.04% of Hispanic drivers involved in crashes in the state in 2005 were suspected of driving while intoxicated. That compares with 2.82% of whites in crashes and 2.29% of African-Americans, according to Eric Rodgman, a researcher at the center. Most of the Hispanics involved in crashes are young men, he says.


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We need someone in the Latino community to be blunt on those issues the same way Bill Cosby is blunt with his fellow African-Americans!


We can't blame it all on the "white man", "Anglos", or "gringos"!


Yes, we must continue to stand up to divisive bigots like Lou Dobbs, Pat Buchanan, Michelle (Maglalang) Malkin or Rod Tam !


But too many disfunctions within ghetto Latino communities (commonly called "barrios") have nothing to do with the anti-immigration fascists!


It isn't "blame the victim", "blame the poor" or "making the white racist smile"! It's being blunt about what's going on and ringing the alarm!


Too many Latinos lives are wasting in dropping out, gang violence, committing hate crimes and drunkenness! Someone needs to say something!

Now that I'm done re-posting those thoughts, there are other self-inflicted wounds among many Latinos.



Part 2 - Cultural Adjustment of Immigrant Parents

One self-inflicted wounds is immigrant parents not understanding that raising kids in the US is NOT THE SAME THING as raising back in their homelands. (and this goes for Asians, Europeans, and other immigrant groups as well).

One example of that that really stood out was what I read in the book titled "Dream in Color: How the Sanchez Sisters Are Making History in Congress" written by Loretta and  Linda Sanchez. The Sanchez sisters are both in US Congress and both were raised by Mexican immigrants.

What really got my attention was Loretta (the older sister) mentioning the parents not allowing her to attend her own high school's football games. A few years later, after Loretta moved out, she came back home to visit her parents home. But nobody was in the house. Then the parents came back and admitted they went to a high school football game with Loretta's younger brother. Loretta then said "you never let me attend football games when I was in high school". Then the mother was in tears saying "I didn't know", meaning she had no idea HOW MEGA-IMPORTANT high school sports events are in US teen culture.

When I read that, I felt like yelling to the mother "WHAT THE (beep) DO YOU MEAN 'I DIDN'T KNOW'"? YOUR DAUGHTER ALREADY HAD A HARD TIME FITTING INTO HER mostly Anglo school, AND YOU MADE IT WORSE BY NOT ALLOWING HER TO TAKE PART IN A MAJOR RITE OF PASSAGE IN the US teen culture?

All I can say is that mother is lucky Loretta has more forgiving tendencies than I do!

And I'm lucky that my dad (Mexican immigrant, just like Loretta's mom) allowed me to attend high school football games and other school events.

Immigrant parents (of any race) need to understand that their kids already have 2 strikes against them that make it hard socially in their schools1) looking different and 2) sounding different! When immigrant parents don't understand US teen culture and major rites of passages (attending football games, homecomings, proms, graduations, etc) they're making their kid's social, emotional and psychological lives A LOT HARDER THAN IT HAS TO BE! That makes the kids feel not only alienated from their school peers, it also makes them alienated from their families too! So you got a kid who's angry at their peers for being bigots AND angry at their parents for being clueless about American culture!

So Loretta's mom (and other clueless immigrant parents) can't always blame "racism" for their kid's problems. Sometimes, they have to blame themselves for not even trying to learn about what's important in American youth culture. Maybe if they stopped acting like Amy Chua and start listening to their kid's concerns, they might have a better understanding of what their kids go through!

Raising your kids in Orange County if you're a Mexican immigrant (like the Sanchez parents) mean your kids will face DIFFERENT ISSUES than you did growing up in Mexico!

Raising your kids in the USA if you're an Asian immigrant (like Chua's family) mean your kids will face DIFFERENT ISSUES than you did growing up in Asia.

And to be fair, raising kids in Hawaii if you're a parent from Montana will your kids will face DIFFERENT ISSUES than you did growing up in Montana.



While parents are older and have experiences their kids don't have yet, parents shouldn't pretend they have all the wisdom in the world. After all, your kids are growing up in a different time than you did! If you're a parent now, you grew up in a time when texting, facebook and YouTube didn't exist. But they're all a part of the culture your kids are growing up in!


And if you're from a different place than where your kids are being raised, then don't act like you know what it's like to grow up in the place your kids are growing up in now! That goes for the Sanchez family, Chua family and any parents from the continental US raising kids in Hawaii. Or Hawaii-raised parents raising kids on the continent too!



Part 3 - Latinos not immune from the Amy Chua attitude

I mentioned earlier in this blog post that even though my dad is a Mexican immigrant (just like the Sanchez parents), he did have a better understanding than the Sanchez parents about high school football games. We could talk about the local and national sports scene all day!

I have to say, coming from Mexico to Hawaii, my dad adjusted pretty well. He came from Oaxaca, a Mexican state with a large native population. He's from a place where the main cultures were the native Mexican cultures and the Spanish settler cultures. He moved to a place which is influenced by North American, Asian and Polynesian cultures. I'd say he did do a good job in learning what's important in all those cultures.

My dad can be a fun guy to be around when times are good! However, he does have a dark side. Part of it is his love of alcohol. Even though his father didn't drink, heavy drinking is accepted in Mexican society. This is a part of Mexican culture that my father got into and it's contributing to problems among Mexicans in Mexico and USA! Those problems include drunk driving and violence.

My father does get overly moody when drunk, and that did cause problems between him and other relatives. Watching how my father is when drunk makes me want to stay alcohol-free for life!

My dad also did have some AmyChua like tendencies. And I do think some of those tendencies were something he learned growing up in Mexico, and those tendencies did strain relations between me and him. He grew with a military father, so I think he was trained to think in terms of ranks and blind obedience. It is this tendency of "I can talk mean to you and you better be submissive". In that culture, toughness is measured by how well you take crap from others. That's different from the USA culture, where toughness means you don't take crap from others.


My father had AmyChua like impatience when teaching new skills. While that tendency had occasionally popped up various times, it was at its worst when he attempted to teach me how to drive. The driving lesson took place in an isolated area, so we were in no danger of running over pedestrians or crashing other cars. Of course, when learning new skills, you will make some errors But my father made it worse by using vicious insults when I made mistakes in that driving lesson. I'm trying my best to learn a new skill, and you're insulting me? He told me to "not answer back". Later, as I attempted to turn the corner, I accidentally crashed his truck, and more profanities and insults came out of my father's mouth! All this in my 1st and only driving lesson.

[in the following years, my dad crashed the same part of his truck multiple times! Karma happens]


From that moment on, I started to hate my father. While Amy Chua believes toughness is "taking crap from others with total submissiveness", I had other ideas. I had violent revenge fantasies that would've made Eminem songs look tame! I wished I was brave as Latrell Sprewell was when he choked his verbally abusive coach! To me, that was real toughness! That was a real man!

Or just be like the Menendez brothers, 2 Latino boys who won't take crap from their parents!

Well, I was too scared of being in jail, but I knew sooner or later I would explode! Another argument with my father happened 2 years later, and I threw my hands up in the air in a manner usually interpreted as "come on, let's fight"! My dad just yelled "in this house, I am the law", then walked away!

 My mother asked "are you challenging your dad?", then I reminded her about that driving lesson and the time she got a TRO on him a few years before that! She then said "I didn't know you are this angry?" What the (beep) you mean"I didn't know you are this angry?" How did you expect me to feel about all this? I was angry at my mom for being too submissive to my dad, being too accepting of his verbal abuse to her and me! I told her all that!


I was already angry about an unrelated issue (their move to a suburban home I've mentioned in  http://pablowegesend.blogspot.com/2010/10/my-first-3-decades-of-life.html look under the section From the Hood to the Suburbs) and I was a ticking time-bomb ready to explode. My school peers didn't know this, because I don't talk to my peers about personal problems.


My mom finally stood up to my dad and told him that his ways were hurting us! Eventually, I moved out of that home and moved to my grandma's home!


One of my brothers made excuses for my father and expected me to take the crap in silence! I accused him of "ass kissing". I also think that "ass-kiss" mentality is what made Latin America (as well as Chua's ancestral lands) vulnerable to dictatorships. After all, it's easier to be a dictator if your people have a submissive mentality.


That brother apologized a few years later for his "take crap from others" attitude. My father also toned down his act in the last decade, though we still don't always see things the same way!


Part 4- Conclusion

Reading Amy Chua and her lame excuses inspired me to write a letter to my father about how I truly felt about him. I also left the door open in case he is willing to meet with a trained professional about this issue. He has yet to take that offer.

My dad's negative tendencies are an example of too many Latinos not getting rid of bad habits that set their homelands backwards for a long time. While Latin America was a victim of Spanish and Portuguese conquest and oppression, most of those countries have been independent for about 2 centuries already! They had more than enough time to get their act together. (though we do have to congratulate Brazil and  Chile for being rising economic powers)

Latinos in the US had great influence in our national culture, whether it is food, music, or arts. They had worked our farms, built our buildings, manufactured our products, educated our children, heal us when we're sick, and many put their lives on the line fighting for our nation! This is the stuff that has been overlooked by anti-immigration fanatics who only want to scare us about exaggarrated illegal alien crime waves, burdens on social services or more signs in Spanish!

But the Latino community shouldn't use the anti-immigration fanatics as an excuse to be silent on our many problems, some of them self-inflicted. There's too much gang violence, alcoholism, abusive families, high school dropouts and rivalries with other ethnic groups. Improving these situations won't be done by blaming "white society." Real change must come from within! This was what Bill Cosby was talking about in regards to the African-American community, and this is the message needed to be spread within the US Latino community too!

As for as I'm concerned, while I do have major respect for Latin American culture, I am more of a U.S. American when it comes to anti-authoritarian mindset! We don't take crap from anyone, not even our relatives! From the Founding Fathers to the Civil Rights Movement, our nation is about demanding respect!

And it's going worldwide, as we have seen in Tunisia and Egypt this year! And we can hope to see it  soon in Cuba and Venezuela in the near future.


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PS:

There's nothing worse than to be mean to someone who is still learning new skills!

To use vicious insults on someone learning a new skill is about as brave horrible as someone who starts fights with the physically disabled!  That person learning a new skill already feels bad, shy and insecure about not being good at that skill! This is the time you need to be the most calm and patient person in the world.

If you can be calm and patient with that person, that person will always love and honor you forever! That's how I feel about my favorite teachers and supervisors! And that's how I hope my students will feel about me too!

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PS #2 - yes, I put the same exact message as the PS in 2 previous blog post, because it deals with  my #1 problem with people like Amy Chua and my dad!